this is what I want with you, siempre

Solo tengo una sonrisa, y espero una devuelta…

Tú eres el sol en mi cara
Cuando me levanta
Yo soy la vida que ya tengo
Tu eres la vida que me falta

Whenever we are driving around in a week, I hope you drive us through some solemn deserted areas, such as whenever we head towards Turner Falls. That way, I will take your phone and only smile at you as I find this song to play loudly, alone as the windows are down and the wind rushes to meet our faces.

I imagine you laughing and smiling, as you recognize what song I picked for I know you will  know exactly what this song means.

I want to travel y “darle la vuelta al mundo” contigo, amor.

 

Gratitude

Life is what you make of it. Life is what you actively choose to involve yourself with  in every single aspect: your job, your relationships, the food you ingest, your physical activity routine, how many hours you sleep, your attitude and vision towards the world and of all those living in it…all these things and much more make up our life choices and how we become the creators of our happiness and leaders of our destiny. But sometimes, life also does surprise us with the humblest and most beautiful gifts we thought we would never deserve.
Not too long ago, I felt I had lost my way…TRULY lost my way and knew that if I didn’t change something, I would plummet into a dark abyss, making it even more difficult to reach back out towards the light. I have always felt myself to be weak in self-confidence but the last bits of my self-resiliency were begging me to try, try, try again; begged me to not shut myself out from the world. So I listened, and it was hard as hell at first.
These last 3 months have been an immense open door to change, to growth, to learning how to love in all ways, to be even more vulnerable, to stand my ground and advocate for my mental health, my worth (both personally and professionally), and ultimately, to not be afraid to dream like I use to. But I was never alone, like I thought and felt–the whole time, I was supported and loved by so many.
There is so much I could share because the written word has always been easier for me. I have never {EVER} felt all that swells up in my heart right now. I constantly smile at life no matter the negativity that may try to leak in. I used to sleep 3 hours and still wake up beaming. There is so much happening, it feels, while at the same time, it feels like time has frozen for a bit, making me realize the beauty that exists within this world–within nature, within me, within the individuals that will forever fight against hatred that has continuously been shown towards all those who are “different.”
Despite the darkness in the world, I am grateful for what it has taught me. I know that I never want to be where I once was, thinking that disappearing would be easier than to confront my own insecurities. This is just a message of gratitude to ALL who have been there for me, ALL who told me I could when I thought I couldn’t, to all who have loved me at my worst: you know who you are.
You are the ones who listened to me when I vented, you are the ones who sent me funny memes to cheer me up, you are the ones who told me to follow my heart and give absolutely no fucks about anyone else but myself, you are the ones who blessed me with your presence and words of encouragement; those of you who know that coffee, handwritten letters, rainy days, snuggles, and my hot yoga classes are my remedy to anything.
I believe, wholeheartedly, that I am unto something beautiful: years ago one of my greatest wishes was to be able to love the world. I know, this is not an easy thing to do especially with all that has been occurring in our current political environment (nationally and globally), but I right now, I believe that I have that capacity…maybe I always did. To all my loves: my wonderful crew from work (you became everything I needed), my quirky yet supportive parents, my MSW friends, my loves from grade school, high school, college (all those who are still in touch and have not forgotten TRUE friendships); my mentors through every walk of life, to all you wonderful people who TRULY fight for the community, especially for my Spanish-speaking community (Alabama, you changed me forever); y a ti, amor mio; llegaste a mi vida y me diste vuelta el mundo.

tu eres el poema que nunca supe como escribir, y esta vida es la historia que siempre he querido contar

Mi amor,

No me importa esos momentos cuando te duermes y estamos en el telefono. Me imagino que haz tenido un dia largo, o simplemente una semana larga. Pero para mi, eres un hombre trabajador, tierno, y humilde, asi que como podria you criticarte por cerrar tus ojos cuando me has dicho que mi voz es capaz de traerte tanta paz? Tu haces lo mismo conmigo, mi amor. Adoro eschuchar tu voz hacerse mas suave; adoro tu esencia dulce y sonolienta–me da mucha ternura 🙂

Solo desearia poder estar ahi para abrazarte durante esos momentos tranquilos e intimos. Basando en lo que hemos dicho de nuestro deseo de querer siempre abrazarnos y tenernos cerca, puedo imaginarme tu cabeza sobre mi pecho y yo te haria piojitos (como me dijiste una vez–en Chile, yo te diria “hacerte nanai”) y yo seria feliz. O tal vez estariamos en un sofa donde descansarias tu cabeza encima de mis piernas y yo te acariciaria mientras leo un libro y tomo cafe sin fin.

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Hay tantos de estos pequenos momentos que quiero compartir contigo, este siendo un ejemplo de muchos. Me encanta que ambos estamos de acuerdo en la importancia de las pequenas cosas, haciendo cada momento contar y valorando el mas minimo detalle que tantos ignoran. Creo ques en nuestra propia esencia y alma de ver los mas simples gestos de amor y afecto como las cosas que continuaran construyendo nuestra relacion. Creo que sera estos momentos, por simplistas que sean, que crearan el cinvula duradero que nos mantendra unidos por siempre…como siempre sonamos desde ninxs.

Aveces pienso que incluso cuando te vi por primera vez, mi alma te conocia de antes (aunque eso suene raro!) Tal vez mi amla te conocia de otros mundos antes que este. Soy la mas feliz al tenerte, mi amor y sere tuya por siempre si me dejas…dia tras dia, ano tras ano, para siempre sere tuya. Eres tu quien elijo tener en mi vida porque no quiero a nadie mas.

Te quiero por siempre mi Jaime.

 

Something short

I’ll try to write something short before the primary feelings leave me.

I feel the most sincere disappointment in people who are in positions of power and are in absolute denial of their flaws.

I just met with her today, when every fiber of me was against the idea, but we had to the yearly employee evaluation. Apathy has been growing ever since she last spoke so unprofessionally towards me. I am not bitter, I simply stopped caring what she could think of me, my work performance, and my attitude. No one should feel entitled to think that by enforcing their dominance–that be through tone of voice, hierarchy in the workplace, or simply humiliating someone else repetitively on what they have not done well–will grant motivational change in others.

Fuck no, bitch.

The world does not work that way and it is a shame when there are individuals who believe that is an acceptable way to express themselves. Thinking that for some reason or another, it is OKAY, and when questioned by others, they shut down everyone else. Please: that action only demonstrates your lack of receiving any kind of feedback and you showing how extremely close-minded and intolerant you are to whatever is against what you expect others to do. No one will ever be you; No one will work like you, and I hope no one ever wants to. You have continuously burned yourself out in all aspects: physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably spiritually. You do no one any good by wanting to take on additional responsibilities that are not yours to take in order to “aparentar” amazing, humble, and dedicated to serving the community.

If you cannot treat your own staff with dignity and respect, but rather treat them like you have the authority of a mother to “acosar” everyone like we were your kids–there is something terribly wrong with how you perceive decent human interactions should take place. It is not about just being perky and diplomatic to the “big guys”–the town officials, the donors, larger organizations that may want to collaborate and/or partner with us, or even being that way with the business corporations. Again, that is not how the world works and by doing that–acting so perky and ditzy in public, and later a totalitarian bitch behind closed doors, only shows the true nature of your essence.

…And I am glad I am walking away from all of that unscathed.

 

 

Locura

Today, I did probably the craziest thing I have done in my life. For most, this is just an insignificant and belittling rebellious act. However, for me this was such a huge act of faith and absolute carelessness in the world… well, maybe not so careless because I took great detail into finding the best option, but I just gave no more fucks.

I have bought my ticket to Dallas for a week, while not having resigned from my first job as of yet.

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Yes, it is crazy and probably irresponsible to do such a thing, but my soul and my heart were pushing me to take that action. I could no longer wait to hear back on my boss [after negligently not answering at a timely manner and ignoring my messages] and I could no longer wait for those prices to keep going up; and worst, the idea of not being able to see him, my love.

He and I were talking back-and-forth throughout this whole morning: sending each other pictures of other flight options, thinking on how we’re going to go about this, how he doesn’t care of needing to drop me off at the airport at 6:30 in the morning, if that means staying with me another day… The beauty of all of this is that it’s OFFICIAL. He and I are going to see one another after only three months of having just met one another… It is a crazy thing to do but I have absolutely no regrets for the decision that I have made. My friend Antonio told me that resigning is inevitable and I believe it with all of my heart. I have done everything in my power to do things correctly and following a protocol so, I will meet with my HR director as soon as he tells me he can, I will talk to him about everything that has happened and occurred and I will give him my resignation letter. Or, I may just directly go to his office 🙂

Once I resign, I believe my soul, my mind, and my whole essence will be liberated of this negativity and this job and it’s unrealistic expectations where I will finally be free to have the headspace to look for a different path to follow. And of course, I will be with the love of my life, the person who brings me absolute happiness even if he is over 1000 miles away.

Yes, it is crazy but I would rather live my life shredding all fears and limitations, than to be held back never knowing what could have been.

i swear this to be true

And this I swear, my love is true.

I want to wake up to you every single morning for the rest of my existence. To wake you by softly kissing your jaw and making my way down to that soft spot behind your ear, whispering words of love. Or waking you abruptly by rolling on top of you, softly biting your neck, and letting all my self-control be lost.

I want to do just that–lose my absolute control with you and hold nothing back. Please: have my love, have my words, have my body. Wrap your body around my own and embrace me with all your affection and kisses, wherever you wish to place them. Help me break down all walls to let you in.

I want to live passionately and lovingly with you, so that this ember is always fed, never burnt away with time.

I want to see the whole world with you, whether that be on our backpacking adventures in a distant land or a simple stroll through a park or at a farmer’s market where we can walk our chocolate lab. We can return to our home and make a meal together from what we have bought from farm to table–and I can imagine us playing in the kitchen like fools, making a mess that we will only need to clean up later. But all the while, we will be so fucking crazy about one another that we will no longer be hungry. We will have eaten each other up with endless kisses.

I want to be yours forever–legally-binded, in spirit, in body and soul, as your life partner, wife, supporter, and forever friend. I am inspired by what Alejandra envisioned: A small and intimate ceremony under the trees or by the mountainside, where I enter barefoot with a crown of flowers on my head; somewhere in between dusk with a full moon in rising. Except, I did always want to wear TOMS shoes at my wedding. That is a detail I have held onto since I was 17 and I am not ready to let that go, I hope you don’t mind.

I want to one day hopefully a bit farther down, bear your child. NEVER, in my whole life have I felt that yearning and joy in finding the man I love and actually wanting to carry his child. I swear, not even with him–I thought that was what I wanted years ago, but it was never true. I always wanted to feel that pride and protection, by I never felt that. Though you are far and I have only seen you once and this all sounds CRAZY, you transmit all those possibilities and feelings to me. And like I told you a few weeks ago, I would proudly and lovingly carry our child, [because I love you].

Right now, yes, I do wholeheartedly love you–I just need to tell you that in person. I need to look into your eyes and brush my lips over yours as I say those words, and then kiss you as I am sitting on your lap trying to be as close to you as possible. I imagine my heart will in some way, explode with every sense of ecstasy known to me, and I truly do not know what I will do then…just love you more…and probably bite your bottom lip as I kiss you again and again.

 

3ra carta

My love,

It’s always easier to decipher my words to you in English before I translate them to our our native tongue–I actually write in Spang-lish. I hope that in our lifetime, you can suggest books for me to read in Spanish, that way I can also “master” that ability. Or, you can just read poetry to me when we drive on road trips, in bed, or in front of our future fireplace during the winter time 🙂

Te digo que aun me tiene bien emocionada tu ultima carta y se que eso pasa porque me siento totalmente identificada con tus palabras. Nos hacíamos falta, amor y se con toda certeza que me has bendecido mi vida para siempre (jaa, y lo digo sin ninguna referencia religiosa).

You have blessed my life with a renowned purpose and knowledge that I can love, care for, and empathize more than what I imagined with people.

You have blessed my life with a desire to always want to laugh, no matter if what I am laughing at is funny, irrational, or stupid. With you, I just want to laugh until my cheeks hurt and I can no longer breathe (and then I would kiss you).

You have blessed my life by being the complete opposite to any man I ever thought I would find; osea, you care for me in the sweetest of details, I have a sense that you will always protect me and there is something truly special in feeling that; by how you make me feel like I am the center of the world, while at the same time I know I am not; I never feel alone anymore–I never minded being alone, but I have never enjoyed someone’s company as much as I do yours. I would like to keep it forever.

You have blessed my life in the sense that I want to let go of all of my insecurities with you, every single one of them. I want to grow with you, as I am convinced we all grow more when we embrace our vulnerabilities.

You have blessed my life by bringing your happiness, your dreams, your stories, your sincerity and by opening that up to me, you are constantly inviting me to be part of your life–y eso amor, es todo un honor.

There are so many, many things that I am grateful for, all encompassing you, but there is no way to even think or write all of them down. All I can do everyday is quierete y enamorarme aun mas de ti, porque es algo muy fail, algo tan natural. Siempre te quiero honrar, apoyar, y ser tu mejor amiga para siempre.

I know that when I see you, everything I feel, believe, and have dreamed of will concretize, haciendome aun mas mas locamente enamorarme de ti. You have become the answer to all these unanswered prayers or supplications. I would happily re-live every challenge and painful experience as long as in the end I have you. Jaime, you have changed my life for the better. I feel like a flower that finally found the spring to bloom.

My old self (insecure and disbelieving) thanks you for  showing up.

My present self yearns to know you more and appreciates you.

My future self will love you forever.

…So let’s write that book that collects our entire story so we can share it with the world, constantly reminding everyone the importance of being happy.

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Mi amor,

Siempre es más fácil descifrar mis palabras en inglés antes de traducirlas a nuestra lengua nativa. En realidad escribo en Spang-lish. Espero que en nuestra vida, me puedas sugerir libros para que yo lea mas en español, de esa manera yo también poder “dominar” esa habilidad. O, solo me puedes leer poesía cuando nos vayamos en viajes largo por auto, estemos en cama, o delante de nuestra chimenea futura durante el invierno.

Te digo que aun me tiene bien emocionada tu ultima carta y sé que eso pasa porque me siento totalmente identificada con tus palabras. Nos hacíamos falta, amor y sé con toda certeza que me has bendecido mi vida para siempre (ja, y lo digo sin ninguna referencia religiosa).

Tu has bendecido mi vida con un propósito y un conocimiento renombrado que puedo amar, cuidar, y empatizar más de lo que me imaginaba con la gente.

Has bendecido mi vida con un deseo de siempre querer reír, no importa si lo que me estoy riendo es gracioso, irracional, o estúpido. Contigo, solo quiero reír hasta que mis mejillas me duelen y ya no puedo respirar (y luego te besaría).

Tu has bendecido mi vida por ser el completo opuesto a cualquier hombre que alguna vez pensé que iba a encontrar; Osea, te preocupas por mí en los más dulces detalles, tengo la sensación de que siempre me protegerás y hay algo realmente especial en sentir eso; Por cómo me haces sentir como que si fuera el centro del mundo, mientras al mismo tiempo sé que no lo soy; Nunca me siento sola ahora; nunca me importó estar sola, pero nunca he disfrutado de la compañía de alguien tanto como la tuya. Me gustaría mantenerla para siempre.

Me has bendecido mi vida en el sentido de que quiero dejar ir todas mis inseguridades contigo, cada una de ellas. Quiero crecer con contigo, ya que estoy convencida de que todos crecemos más cuando aceptamos nuestras vulnerabilidades.

Has bendecido mi vida trayendo tu felicidad, tus sueños, tus historias, tu sinceridad y abriéndote eso a mí, constantemente me invitas a ser parte de tu vida–y eso amor, es todo un honor.

Hay tantas, tantas cosas por las que estoy agradecida, todas que te abarcan a ti, pero no hay manera de ni siquiera pensar o escribir todas ellas. Todo lo que puedo hacer es quiérete y enamorarme aun mas de ti, porque es algo muy fail, algo tan natural. Siempre te quiero honrar, apoyar, y ser tu mejor amiga por siempre.

Sé que cuando te vea, todo lo que siento, creo, y he soñado se va concretar, haciéndome aun más mas locamente enamorarme de ti. Tu te has convertido en la respuesta a todas las oraciones sin respuesta o súplicas que tuve anos atrás. No me molestaría volver a vivir cada reto y experiencia dolorosa, siempre y cuando al final te tenga a ti. Jaime, has cambiado mi vida para mejor. Me siento como una flor que finalmente encontró la primavera para florecer.

Mi vieja yo (insegura e incrédula) te agradece por aparecer.

Mi yo presente anhela conocerte más y te aprecia.

Mi futura yo te amaré para siempre.

… Así que escribamos ese libro que cuente toda nuestra historia para que podamos compartirla con el mundo, recordándole constantemente a todos la importancia de ser felices.