tu eres el poema que nunca supe como escribir, y esta vida es la historia que siempre he querido contar

Mi amor,

No me importa esos momentos cuando te duermes y estamos en el telefono. Me imagino que haz tenido un dia largo, o simplemente una semana larga. Pero para mi, eres un hombre trabajador, tierno, y humilde, asi que como podria you criticarte por cerrar tus ojos cuando me has dicho que mi voz es capaz de traerte tanta paz? Tu haces lo mismo conmigo, mi amor. Adoro eschuchar tu voz hacerse mas suave; adoro tu esencia dulce y sonolienta–me da mucha ternura 🙂

Solo desearia poder estar ahi para abrazarte durante esos momentos tranquilos e intimos. Basando en lo que hemos dicho de nuestro deseo de querer siempre abrazarnos y tenernos cerca, puedo imaginarme tu cabeza sobre mi pecho y yo te haria piojitos (como me dijiste una vez–en Chile, yo te diria “hacerte nanai”) y yo seria feliz. O tal vez estariamos en un sofa donde descansarias tu cabeza encima de mis piernas y yo te acariciaria mientras leo un libro y tomo cafe sin fin.

img_3656-1

Hay tantos de estos pequenos momentos que quiero compartir contigo, este siendo un ejemplo de muchos. Me encanta que ambos estamos de acuerdo en la importancia de las pequenas cosas, haciendo cada momento contar y valorando el mas minimo detalle que tantos ignoran. Creo ques en nuestra propia esencia y alma de ver los mas simples gestos de amor y afecto como las cosas que continuaran construyendo nuestra relacion. Creo que sera estos momentos, por simplistas que sean, que crearan el cinvula duradero que nos mantendra unidos por siempre…como siempre sonamos desde ninxs.

Aveces pienso que incluso cuando te vi por primera vez, mi alma te conocia de antes (aunque eso suene raro!) Tal vez mi amla te conocia de otros mundos antes que este. Soy la mas feliz al tenerte, mi amor y sere tuya por siempre si me dejas…dia tras dia, ano tras ano, para siempre sere tuya. Eres tu quien elijo tener en mi vida porque no quiero a nadie mas.

Te quiero por siempre mi Jaime.

❤

 

Something short

I’ll try to write something short before the primary feelings leave me.

I feel the most sincere disappointment in people who are in positions of power and are in absolute denial of their flaws.

I just met with her today, when every fiber of me was against the idea, but we had to the yearly employee evaluation. Apathy has been growing ever since she last spoke so unprofessionally towards me. I am not bitter, I simply stopped caring what she could think of me, my work performance, and my attitude. No one should feel entitled to think that by enforcing their dominance–that be through tone of voice, hierarchy in the workplace, or simply humiliating someone else repetitively on what they have not done well–will grant motivational change in others.

Fuck no, bitch.

The world does not work that way and it is a shame when there are individuals who believe that is an acceptable way to express themselves. Thinking that for some reason or another, it is OKAY, and when questioned by others, they shut down everyone else. Please: that action only demonstrates your lack of receiving any kind of feedback and you showing how extremely close-minded and intolerant you are to whatever is against what you expect others to do. No one will ever be you; No one will work like you, and I hope no one ever wants to. You have continuously burned yourself out in all aspects: physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably spiritually. You do no one any good by wanting to take on additional responsibilities that are not yours to take in order to “aparentar” amazing, humble, and dedicated to serving the community.

If you cannot treat your own staff with dignity and respect, but rather treat them like you have the authority of a mother to “acosar” everyone like we were your kids–there is something terribly wrong with how you perceive decent human interactions should take place. It is not about just being perky and diplomatic to the “big guys”–the town officials, the donors, larger organizations that may want to collaborate and/or partner with us, or even being that way with the business corporations. Again, that is not how the world works and by doing that–acting so perky and ditzy in public, and later a totalitarian bitch behind closed doors, only shows the true nature of your essence.

…And I am glad I am walking away from all of that unscathed.

 

 

Locura

Today, I did probably the craziest thing I have done in my life. For most, this is just an insignificant and belittling rebellious act. However, for me this was such a huge act of faith and absolute carelessness in the world… well, maybe not so careless because I took great detail into finding the best option, but I just gave no more fucks.

I have bought my ticket to Dallas for a week, while not having resigned from my first job as of yet.

20269950_10154855013922507_407351177_n

Yes, it is crazy and probably irresponsible to do such a thing, but my soul and my heart were pushing me to take that action. I could no longer wait to hear back on my boss [after negligently not answering at a timely manner and ignoring my messages] and I could no longer wait for those prices to keep going up; and worst, the idea of not being able to see him, my love.

He and I were talking back-and-forth throughout this whole morning: sending each other pictures of other flight options, thinking on how we’re going to go about this, how he doesn’t care of needing to drop me off at the airport at 6:30 in the morning, if that means staying with me another day… The beauty of all of this is that it’s OFFICIAL. He and I are going to see one another after only three months of having just met one another… It is a crazy thing to do but I have absolutely no regrets for the decision that I have made. My friend Antonio told me that resigning is inevitable and I believe it with all of my heart. I have done everything in my power to do things correctly and following a protocol so, I will meet with my HR director as soon as he tells me he can, I will talk to him about everything that has happened and occurred and I will give him my resignation letter. Or, I may just directly go to his office 🙂

Once I resign, I believe my soul, my mind, and my whole essence will be liberated of this negativity and this job and it’s unrealistic expectations where I will finally be free to have the headspace to look for a different path to follow. And of course, I will be with the love of my life, the person who brings me absolute happiness even if he is over 1000 miles away.

Yes, it is crazy but I would rather live my life shredding all fears and limitations, than to be held back never knowing what could have been.

i swear this to be true

And this I swear, my love is true.

I want to wake up to you every single morning for the rest of my existence. To wake you by softly kissing your jaw and making my way down to that soft spot behind your ear, whispering words of love. Or waking you abruptly by rolling on top of you, softly biting your neck, and letting all my self-control be lost.

I want to do just that–lose my absolute control with you and hold nothing back. Please: have my love, have my words, have my body. Wrap your body around my own and embrace me with all your affection and kisses, wherever you wish to place them. Help me break down all walls to let you in.

I want to live passionately and lovingly with you, so that this ember is always fed, never burnt away with time.

I want to see the whole world with you, whether that be on our backpacking adventures in a distant land or a simple stroll through a park or at a farmer’s market where we can walk our chocolate lab. We can return to our home and make a meal together from what we have bought from farm to table–and I can imagine us playing in the kitchen like fools, making a mess that we will only need to clean up later. But all the while, we will be so fucking crazy about one another that we will no longer be hungry. We will have eaten each other up with endless kisses.

I want to be yours forever–legally-binded, in spirit, in body and soul, as your life partner, wife, supporter, and forever friend. I am inspired by what Alejandra envisioned: A small and intimate ceremony under the trees or by the mountainside, where I enter barefoot with a crown of flowers on my head; somewhere in between dusk with a full moon in rising. Except, I did always want to wear TOMS shoes at my wedding. That is a detail I have held onto since I was 17 and I am not ready to let that go, I hope you don’t mind.

I want to one day hopefully a bit farther down, bear your child. NEVER, in my whole life have I felt that yearning and joy in finding the man I love and actually wanting to carry his child. I swear, not even with him–I thought that was what I wanted years ago, but it was never true. I always wanted to feel that pride and protection, by I never felt that. Though you are far and I have only seen you once and this all sounds CRAZY, you transmit all those possibilities and feelings to me. And like I told you a few weeks ago, I would proudly and lovingly carry our child, [because I love you].

Right now, yes, I do wholeheartedly love you–I just need to tell you that in person. I need to look into your eyes and brush my lips over yours as I say those words, and then kiss you as I am sitting on your lap trying to be as close to you as possible. I imagine my heart will in some way, explode with every sense of ecstasy known to me, and I truly do not know what I will do then…just love you more…and probably bite your bottom lip as I kiss you again and again.

 

3ra carta

My love,

It’s always easier to decipher my words to you in English before I translate them to our our native tongue–I actually write in Spang-lish. I hope that in our lifetime, you can suggest books for me to read in Spanish, that way I can also “master” that ability. Or, you can just read poetry to me when we drive on road trips, in bed, or in front of our future fireplace during the winter time 🙂

Te digo que aun me tiene bien emocionada tu ultima carta y se que eso pasa porque me siento totalmente identificada con tus palabras. Nos hacíamos falta, amor y se con toda certeza que me has bendecido mi vida para siempre (jaa, y lo digo sin ninguna referencia religiosa).

You have blessed my life with a renowned purpose and knowledge that I can love, care for, and empathize more than what I imagined with people.

You have blessed my life with a desire to always want to laugh, no matter if what I am laughing at is funny, irrational, or stupid. With you, I just want to laugh until my cheeks hurt and I can no longer breathe (and then I would kiss you).

You have blessed my life by being the complete opposite to any man I ever thought I would find; osea, you care for me in the sweetest of details, I have a sense that you will always protect me and there is something truly special in feeling that; by how you make me feel like I am the center of the world, while at the same time I know I am not; I never feel alone anymore–I never minded being alone, but I have never enjoyed someone’s company as much as I do yours. I would like to keep it forever.

You have blessed my life in the sense that I want to let go of all of my insecurities with you, every single one of them. I want to grow with you, as I am convinced we all grow more when we embrace our vulnerabilities.

You have blessed my life by bringing your happiness, your dreams, your stories, your sincerity and by opening that up to me, you are constantly inviting me to be part of your life–y eso amor, es todo un honor.

There are so many, many things that I am grateful for, all encompassing you, but there is no way to even think or write all of them down. All I can do everyday is quierete y enamorarme aun mas de ti, porque es algo muy fail, algo tan natural. Siempre te quiero honrar, apoyar, y ser tu mejor amiga para siempre.

I know that when I see you, everything I feel, believe, and have dreamed of will concretize, haciendome aun mas mas locamente enamorarme de ti. You have become the answer to all these unanswered prayers or supplications. I would happily re-live every challenge and painful experience as long as in the end I have you. Jaime, you have changed my life for the better. I feel like a flower that finally found the spring to bloom.

My old self (insecure and disbelieving) thanks you for  showing up.

My present self yearns to know you more and appreciates you.

My future self will love you forever.

…So let’s write that book that collects our entire story so we can share it with the world, constantly reminding everyone the importance of being happy.

/////////////////||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Mi amor,

Siempre es más fácil descifrar mis palabras en inglés antes de traducirlas a nuestra lengua nativa. En realidad escribo en Spang-lish. Espero que en nuestra vida, me puedas sugerir libros para que yo lea mas en español, de esa manera yo también poder “dominar” esa habilidad. O, solo me puedes leer poesía cuando nos vayamos en viajes largo por auto, estemos en cama, o delante de nuestra chimenea futura durante el invierno.

Te digo que aun me tiene bien emocionada tu ultima carta y sé que eso pasa porque me siento totalmente identificada con tus palabras. Nos hacíamos falta, amor y sé con toda certeza que me has bendecido mi vida para siempre (ja, y lo digo sin ninguna referencia religiosa).

Tu has bendecido mi vida con un propósito y un conocimiento renombrado que puedo amar, cuidar, y empatizar más de lo que me imaginaba con la gente.

Has bendecido mi vida con un deseo de siempre querer reír, no importa si lo que me estoy riendo es gracioso, irracional, o estúpido. Contigo, solo quiero reír hasta que mis mejillas me duelen y ya no puedo respirar (y luego te besaría).

Tu has bendecido mi vida por ser el completo opuesto a cualquier hombre que alguna vez pensé que iba a encontrar; Osea, te preocupas por mí en los más dulces detalles, tengo la sensación de que siempre me protegerás y hay algo realmente especial en sentir eso; Por cómo me haces sentir como que si fuera el centro del mundo, mientras al mismo tiempo sé que no lo soy; Nunca me siento sola ahora; nunca me importó estar sola, pero nunca he disfrutado de la compañía de alguien tanto como la tuya. Me gustaría mantenerla para siempre.

Me has bendecido mi vida en el sentido de que quiero dejar ir todas mis inseguridades contigo, cada una de ellas. Quiero crecer con contigo, ya que estoy convencida de que todos crecemos más cuando aceptamos nuestras vulnerabilidades.

Has bendecido mi vida trayendo tu felicidad, tus sueños, tus historias, tu sinceridad y abriéndote eso a mí, constantemente me invitas a ser parte de tu vida–y eso amor, es todo un honor.

Hay tantas, tantas cosas por las que estoy agradecida, todas que te abarcan a ti, pero no hay manera de ni siquiera pensar o escribir todas ellas. Todo lo que puedo hacer es quiérete y enamorarme aun mas de ti, porque es algo muy fail, algo tan natural. Siempre te quiero honrar, apoyar, y ser tu mejor amiga por siempre.

Sé que cuando te vea, todo lo que siento, creo, y he soñado se va concretar, haciéndome aun más mas locamente enamorarme de ti. Tu te has convertido en la respuesta a todas las oraciones sin respuesta o súplicas que tuve anos atrás. No me molestaría volver a vivir cada reto y experiencia dolorosa, siempre y cuando al final te tenga a ti. Jaime, has cambiado mi vida para mejor. Me siento como una flor que finalmente encontró la primavera para florecer.

Mi vieja yo (insegura e incrédula) te agradece por aparecer.

Mi yo presente anhela conocerte más y te aprecia.

Mi futura yo te amaré para siempre.

… Así que escribamos ese libro que cuente toda nuestra historia para que podamos compartirla con el mundo, recordándole constantemente a todos la importancia de ser felices.

 

little differences, not that they matter

Not that I am keeping track, but I think this sums up our differences:

  • you like spicy food, as that goes more with your culture and upbringing than it ever will with me, while I know my stomach and tongue cannot tolerate it–‘mild’ is already too much for me to handle
  • you adore your ice-cold beer, I forevermore, will adore my iced lattes ❤
  • you like coconut and I get cold chills just thinking of the sound of a spoon scrapping the contents of one
  • you like Kings of Leon and I can’t stand the guy’s voice

Our similarities, which some have unfolded in our dreams [both expressed and others merely suggested], our values and principles, the ways in which we see ourselves in the world–through the eyes and love of nature, our disdain for capitalism, consumerism, and fictitiousness, bonds us in ways that run much deeper than mere attraction. At least, that’s how I view it, but I believe that is how you see it too.

You have helped me to open up to such a vulnerable side of myself that I honestly did not know existed. I want nothing more than to shred every fiber of insecurity that still binds me to my previous selves. I always imagined that when I met you (the embodiment of you, the man of my dreams) and when the moment would be right, I would have the strongest sense of empowerment and confidence to literally shred off everything in front of you–fears, unfulfilled dreams, every single garment of clothing–without looking away from you for a second. To be there, bare and naked in my most vulnerable state; transparent and lovingly accepting you to do the same. This is a scene I have recreated in my head for a long time, because I believe that in its own true form, it will manifest what true love means–what true vulnerability means.

And I want nothing more than to share that with you, again and again and again for as long as I live.

 

////////////////////////////|||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

No es que esté siguiendo la pista, pero creo que esto resuma nuestras diferencias:

  • A ti te gusta la comida picante, ya que eso va más con tu cultura y crianza de lo que nunca sera conmigo, mientras yo sé que mi estómago y mi lengua no pueden tolerarlo
  • Tú  adoras su cerveza helada, mientras yo por siempre, adorare mis lattes helados ❤
  • A ti te gusta el coco y a mi me dan escalofríos sólo pensando en el sonido de una cuchara desguace el contenido de uno
  • A ti te gusta Kings of Leon y yo no soporto la voz del tipo que canta

Nuestras similitudes, que se han desplegadas en nuestros sueños [expresados ​​y otros meramente sugeridos]; nuestros valores y principios; la maneras en que nos vemos en el mundo, a través de los ojos y el amor de la naturaleza; nuestro desdén por el capitalismo, el consumismo, y al ficticio, nos une en maneras que corren mucho más profundo que mera atracción. Al menos así es como lo veo, pero creo que es así como lo ves tú también.

Tú me ha ayudado a abrir un lado tan vulnerable de mí misma que honestamente no sabía que existía. No quiero nada más que destruir todas las fibras de la inseguridad que todavía me puedan atar a mis seres previas. Siempre me imaginé que cuando te conociera (la personificación de ti, el hombre de mis sueños) y cuando el momento estuviera apropiado, tendría el sentido más fuerte de empoderamiento y confianza para hacer tiras todo delante de ti–mis temores, mis sueños insatisfechos, hasta cada prenda de mi ropa–sin apartar mi mirada hacia la tuya. Me encantaría estar allí, descubierta y desnuda en mi estado más vulnerable; Transparente y amorosamente aceptando que hagas lo mismo. Esta es una escena que he recreado en mi cabeza por mucho tiempo, porque creo que en su propia forma verdadera, manifestará lo que significa el verdadero amor–lo que significa verdadera vulnerabilidad.

Y no quiero nada más que compartir eso contigo, una y otra vez y otra vez por el resto de mi vida.

blushing//ruborizada

Maybe I still don’t have the greater vocabulary to effortlessly tell you everything I wish I could. Though I wish I could just have the words flow out of my mouth, I realize that the true ‘me’ has always been awkward with words, both in English and Spanish–so, I forgive myself on that one. This is why I have always written and I have missed that.

The truth is this:

I cannot wait until I can have you right in front of me, where I can reach out and touch you: that be to touch your face, hold your hand, grab you so you are closer to me, or silence you with a kiss. The thought of those moments make me a nervous-wreck, but simultaneously excite me so very much. Yes, I have been waiting a long time to experience this again with someone that means everything you mean to me; and I know I have been patient in waiting. I always knew what I wanted to find so I was not going to mess it up for myself, by kissing strangers and having fuck boys.

No, I always know that I have had a hopelessly-romantic soul.

I am like a little school girl, constantly blushing every time you tell me in a soft, desiring voice of how you want to kiss me. And goodness, do I want that and so much more. I want to be breathless, I want you to feel me tremble by the simple notion of your lips pressed to mine; I want to look into your eyes every time there is a pause and whisper that I love you–I truly, truly unconditionally love you and forever will. I want you to never let me go–I don’t care how disgustingly hot it is in Dallas, I mean that’s what showers and the rain are for–just never let me go. Clutch me by my waist and kiss me, where words won’t be necessary to state what we think or feel. I want this spark that has so quickly engulfed us both in such a beautifully, passionate way to forever live on. So that way, we can always kindle this fire to keep our emotions, feelings, and love alive.

I want to stand on the tip of my toes and kiss you everywhere I cannot reach since I am petite. I want to have those awkward moments where we don’t know what to do with our hands because all we will want to do is just close off any distance that stands between us. Let us end up with the messiest hair–a lion’s mane and a disheveled feathered bird–after having gone so deep into our explosion of feelings that cannot be comprised by just one mere kiss, one mere embrace. I believe that selfishly, but lovingly, we will want more and more, because that is love: It is all giving, it is never ending. I believe this is what we will always want to give to one another.

 

///////////////////////////||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Tal vez todavía no tengo el mejor vocabulario para decirle sin esfuerzo todo lo que deseo que pudiera. Aunque me gustaría que las palabras fluyeran de mi boca, me doy cuenta de que la verdadero “yo” siempre ha sido incómoda con palabras, tanto en inglés como en el español, así que me perdono por eso. Es por eso que siempre he escrito y he extrañado eso.

La verdad es esta:

No puedo esperar hasta que pueda tenerte al frente de mí, donde pueda alcanzarte y tocarte: que sea tocar tu cara, tomar tu mano, abrazarte para que estés más cerca de mí, o silenciarte con un beso. El pensamiento de esos momentos me hace una naufrago nerviosa, pero al mismo tiempo me excita tanto. Sí, he estado esperando mucho tiempo para vivir esta tipo de experiencia con alguien que significa todo lo que tu significas para mí; Y sé que he sido paciente en la espera. Siempre supe lo que quería encontrar, así que no iba a arruinar esto para mí, besando a extraños y teniendo chicos de mierda.

No, siempre sé que he tenido un alma irremediablemente romántica.

Soy como una niña de colegio, constantemente sonrojada cada vez que me dices con una suave y deseosa voz de cómo quieres besarme. Y bueno, quiero eso y mucho más. Quiero estar sin aliento, quiero que me sientas temblar por la simple noción de tus labios presionados a los míos; Quiero mirarte a tus ojos cada vez que hay una pausa y susurrar que te amo – Yo realmente, verdaderamente incondicional te amo y siempre lo hare. Quiero que nunca me dejes ir–no me importa lo caliente que pueda estar en Dallas, quiero decir, para que mas son las duchas y la lluvia–sólo nunca me sueltes. Agárrame de mi cintura y bésame, donde las palabras no sean necesarias para expresar lo que pensamos o sentimos. Quiero que esta chispa que tan rápidamente nos ha envuelto de una forma tan hermosa y apasionada viva para siempre. De esta manera, siempre podemos encender este fuego para mantener vivas nuestras emociones, sentimientos y amor.

Quiero estar en la punta de los dedos de mis pies y besarte en todas partes que no puedo alcanzar como soy pequeña. Quiero tener esos momentos incómodos en los que no sepamos qué hacer con nuestras manos, porque lo único que queremos hacer es cerrar cualquier distancia que se interponga entre nosotros. Terminemos con el cabello desordenado–una melena de león desordenado y una pájarita con plumas desaliñadas– después de habernos metido tan profundamente en nuestra explosión de sentimientos que no pueden ser comprendidos por un solo beso, un solo abrazo. Creo que egoístamente, pero amorosamente, queremos más y más, porque eso es amor: es todo dando, nunca termina. Creo que esto es lo que siempre queremos dar el uno al otro.