Mind Dump

My 7:40AM self will hate that I am still awake.

But part of me feels like there lies importance in writing things that have been bouncing off in my head, rather than bottling them up and creating meaningless lists that I say I’ll get back to later. Usually that does not happen. Instead, it is 1AM and I just unload my thoughts on paper or via typing.

So, I’ll just free-hand:

Love sucks. It is one of the most glorious and terrible of feelings to carry in your heart and mind. It sucks when you feel you are ready to love and be there for someone, but the other person does not want you (NOTE: reaction to Rory saying NO to Jess–Gilmore Girls, duh). #teamjess

My sense of self-care needs to drastically change. I always talk about it–the exercise or physical well-being, the diabetes, the time-management to get up earlier in the morning to simply eat breakfast or go to the gym for 30 minutes, to cook more meals and be like those moms that always has frozen meals in stock in the freezer “JUST IN CASE,” the whole notion of just doing things I can today rather than waiting tomorrow…and like I said above, “creating meaningless lists that I say I’ll get back to later.”

Not to sound condescending towards others or elevating myself to a higher level than I deserve, but I gotta say: I love that my views towards most of the things my generation takes part of, are different. This weekend I was surrounded by a group of alumni from my college that I had never met–we all walked in similar circles, but our paths never crossed for an interaction–and during these new encounters, I truly learned how out of place my views are with the majority. Example: casual sex will never be my thing. I do not really care who wants to partake in it because I am not anyone to judge, but it is not in me to personally be so vulnerable with someone I may never see again. Plus, the other person could not even know they are “clean” and then guess whose fucked with an STD/STI? Sure, there is protection but I would rather not risk it for just a few moments of pleasure. Also, I know myself to get far too invested in others and to get too invested with people that may not care for me other than just for a one-night-stand, PSSH. Fuck that, I have better things to do. I am a hopeless romantic and I will find him eventually, even if that means my sex life will be dead for a while. Oh, the optimism.

Maybe I am a hipster at heart. I may not not know what is “hip” nowadays, but goodness do I hate that the music I listened to in 8th grade is now “in” these days. I appreciate what is unpopular and then feel the need to disregard those things once they gain the popular attention of the media. As weird as it sounds, it is like the things that the media picks up seems to lose their worth once they are broadcasted  EVERYWHERE–it is like it use to be a secret that has now been shared with the whole world. A hipster to me is not those stupid, cliched stereotypes Buzzfeed has mentioned–the thick framed glasses, the extensive designer clothes, the PBR obsession, and having the latest Apple(R) gadgets. No, is it not just a state of mind where you  simply embrace the uniqueness of ideas, music, art, whatever it is you love from different time periods? That is how I like to think of it. It is just a coincidence I have big glasses, a leather satchel, and have a tremendous love for local coffeeshops (and a delicious cold brew).


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