When we were in flames

This song is everything I need it to be.

It provides the reality of two people that have lost connection and love over time; The desire to go back in time when both individuals lived happier moments together; the overall heartache of that particular person no longer having anything to do with you; while also providing the frustrations that comes from having given all of your soul–the “waste” of time, effort, and love–for a person that in the end could not value you.

Of course, I have my very own interpretations to what it all means.

It has just been the first 5 months of no communication between us, other than a happy birthday message that I initiated. At first, I really thought that I would be okay about it–of course it would hurt for a while, but I loved him, I wanted to forgive him as quickly as possible so that I wouldn’t have to hold onto any source of negativity. But I was too hopeful. I had not even began to process the extreme harm  our relationship had caused onto ourselves, or at least to me.

I had always wanted to remain hopeful. That is who I try to be. Flexible and adaptable. Giving and empathic. Usually putting others before myself. Hardly ever communicating my needs or wants from people. And ultimately, taking too much shit from some people much more than others.

For years I feel like I was blinded by this sense of hope that made me envision a better “end.” Once I am done with college, things will get better. Once I can live in Raleigh and be closer to him, things will get better. Once I finish my graduate program, things will get better–I will find a job, maybe we can live together then; THINGS WILL GET BETTER.  I endlessly filled my head with the idea that things would get better for us maybe out of pure ignorance on my behalf or because he kept telling me they would be better. I still do not know what reason made me believe that. Maybe, I truly wanted to remain hopeful about us because I loved him.

And so during most of the relationship, I was not ever capable of seeing the hurt I was causing myself by staying, by tolerating, by accepting behaviors no one should accept. By remaining, I lost my voice, I lost my confidence, and I lost a great part of my dignity.

We started to become strangers and I tried so hard to think it was just his stress from work, his stress of not having a social network at home, the fact of him living at home and not having his own place…everything, I seemed to find a justifiable excuse, which then only ‘excused’ this depth of fog we kept walking towards.

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