Sometimes it becomes hard for me to imagine myself with someone who is a better match for me. I constantly have this unnecessary worry that I won’t find someone like that–someone compatible and with similar beliefs and interests to my own. Life has given me constant signs of “NOT NOW. WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF FIRST.”
And that’s fair. That is essentially want I want, however it is still something I miss and I see too many couples rubbing it in my face unintentionally.
I miss the long forgotten memories of waking up to that person you love, snuggling in bed, and then getting up to make breakfast together. I miss the little experiences I never had, but have always wanted…like sitting in a coffeeshop to just read a book. Or doing something spontaneous and stupid because we can at 3,4,5 in the morning; going camping and making a campfire, falling asleep in each other’s arms listening to nature’s sounds and watchIing the glimmering stars.
I am a hopeless romantic.
And I am convinced that all I can do is what lots of people have told me already:
Focus on myself; Work on bettering myself as much as possible to learn who I am on my own.
Learn what I enjoy, what I don’t enjoy and will not tolerate (from myself and others);
Learn how to invest wholeheartedly into my passions and continuously work so they grow;
Respect and honor my body by eating well, exercising, and doling self-care so it also rests. The whole notion of the body being a temple is so true, especially now since I’ve begun taking better care of my diabetes.
I want to know that I can work towards my goals and dreams consistently and not get side tracked by the presence of a significant other.
After time has passed and I have worked on bettering myself (as JB said I should), then and only then do I believe that he [whoever this man is] will come into my life. I hope I do not realize it. I pray we become friends first and that the love just creeps in slowly and beautifully. I don’t want that immediate dating shit. Things are just too rushed and shallow when you just “date” and meet up with random people…
The fact that I am still looking at men and wondering, “could it be someone like you?” is kind of funny and a little pathetic to me. The moment I genuinely stop doing that and fully accept my place [like fully embracing the power in my singlehood and doing all the things I did not do when I was in a relationship and vowing to never allow myself to do that again] love will find you…eventually. Ha.