And you had to know that no matter how many times you come back, you are never going to be part of this again. I am no longer a student, I no longer live here and even though I am standing right in front of the same place that I stood when I was about to say goodbye to Boone. I really can’t help but to feel that there’s this void; that void of what’s missing–who I was then, who I wanted to be and thought I would be in the future. I know it’s only been a year; It’s been one short, meaningless year in the scheme of life, but I think that is the part that aches me. To stand here in these mountains amidst all of the admiration and awe I ever felt for them, but I still remember and see his face. Because he was with me throughout all those four years I was here. He was that I thought of as my rock, my future, my support and I know I’ve been so tough and you, stubborn with things telling myself that I;m great and fine and that I am better off without him (which I am), but just to be standing here is that symbolically I was with him. All of it makes me realize I will never be that girl again–I will never be that Constanza that was so in love with that one boy who is so afraid of change. I don’t know what to feel, I mean even though right now I have this urge to cry (I don’t know why); my nose is getting watery because the wind is blowing and it’s getting cold. My eyes are also getting watery and that’s because cause of the wind too but there is some emotional tie that every time I am here, I see him. I seem him in ways I did not think I still could. That’s the funny part because we didn’t share any commonalities. I mean, at least Espresso News is all mine and really, the only memory I have of him that taints it for me is when he went to see me after Spring Break my freshman year and he had a bruise on his butt pretty much; I was working on my butterfly art piece and I just remembering looking out the window and there he was just with his arms out stretched as if he was about to fly, as if nothing bad could ever touch him because he was souring up on his happiness–the happiness I had given to him.
So this place Boone, even though both he and I were in it together, we were within it so separately. And I think it’s just now being here after all the times we thought we’d come up together and I imagined us going on all of these outdoorsy adventures and camping, hiking, or anything, for Alumni Day or whatever the hell is out there. I thought we would be together. I thought that’s what would happen and now here I am alone (which is fine, really it is) it’s just still so hard for me to believe sometimes. So for 4 years I didn’t, I thought it would all get settled and I am blessed beyond words, beyond actions to know that that was not the plan, the ultimate plan for me. It’s just difficult in part that he hurt me so deeply and in the one place that I knew so much happiness, not because of the amazing people around me, but everyday I would step outside and there was this huge ass mountain right in front of me. Something so majestic, something so much greater than me, something that will have outlived me a thousand times. I don’t know. I am tearful and I don’t know why.
But that’s why I came. That’s why I paid to get away; to address everything that is going on within me; to address feelings that I have. I don’t know if there’s anything left that I sill feel towards him, maybe anger or something that isn’t so positive. But to be alone, to be alone in this wonderful and beautiful place that is just so different now too. I think it’s ultimately standing here from the Caldwell Community College parking lot and looking out into the mountains in the direction of Asheville, I guess or Banner Elk–part of me believed that he would be here. That he would be right behind me hugging me, holding me, trying to protect me from the wind and yet, all I have is y big wool coat and a phone to record all the tangled feelings and emotions that I have just come up by standing here. Of past, present, and future and to me ultimately this is not necessarily a message of sadness, of pessimism. It’s just a lot that I may be overthinking, maybe I don’t know of as of yet, but all the while grateful.
Grateful of everything that’s happened since all of those thoughts of him, of our future were brought to an end, by what I know now to be my great act of courage and maturity to face the fact that he no longer loved me and respected me and didn’t have the balls to just say it. Rather, he winged it out for months, weeks–torturing himself on what was the best decision, when really, it was all there. Now, I just feel like I’m going in circles and I’m getting cold–at least my hadns are from holding this phone. So, I think it has been a good thing to stand here and simply just take note of all the things, of all the thoughts that came throught my head and now I’m hungry and I’m going to find a good local Boone eatery and then go to E-News to finally, I guess, transcribe this and write other things that come to mind and be happy of everything I’ve done and everything I’ve allowed myself to work towards post Matthew Shinners.
Though I loved you so deely, you have shattered [because I don’t want to say that you’ve killed a part of me–for you to have done that would never do myself justice] a great part of me that was so open to love a man, or what I thought was a man and it’s only going to make it so much more difficult for the next one. But if not for you, then maybe I’ll never find someone that’s worthy enough for me. So even thought part of me has wanted to hate you for all the pain and disappointment you’ve given me, the greatest lesson is that for now and forever, I’ll know my own true worth and value and to know to never again let anyone, especially the man that I say I love treat me any less than what I deserve to be treated.