I am stunned.
I cannot stop crying at how much I feel like this song is so representative to all of what happened. The first time I heard it, I smiled, but painfully. It was as if I was this girl–the one who was tied around his neck, the one who couldn’t breathe, the one who grew tired of talking.
The girl who does not want to belong. To him or to anyone.
We had grown so apart from one another for years. I wanted so hard to make things work and it felt like he had given up so much sooner, faking every instance he saw me, making up excuses to not see me, and forcing himself to believe that I was worth it–if he didn’t, he’d endlessly feel this guilt.
I love this song because it captures everything I was never able to put words to; all the feelings and realities that escaped me. At the same time it haunts me, but in the most bittersweet way.
It even captures the worse ideas and memories I have of him:
Waiting to hear some strange women speak in tongues
On lonely Fridays of my loveless drunk, baby
With that line I still smile and laugh, almost maliciously. My loveless drunk baby. So much damage came from those instances when he became that–instances I won’t necessarily share now, but haunted me as I heard this song.
To say I’m excited to see Daughter in April is an understatement.