Though my weeks in Chile have been crazy emotionally, it’s been in a very different sense. Sure, the worry of my aunt’s health had me nervous, but strangely [and this is weird coming from me] I was also at peace. I think it’s been in seeing her two men, my uncle and my cousin, being so freaking resilient and strong that allowed me to almost not worry. My cousin would just shrug at me and say, “What can you do about this? Nothing. So worry, but drop it. You gain nothing by worrying.”
Being in Chile, regardless of my aunt’s big scare, has actually enabled me to relax when I didn’t think that was possible. But truly, there was nothing I could do other than have hope.
I remember not too long ago, my mind would just not shut off. It endlessly ran lists upon lists of things I said I needed to do, things I wanted to do, books I had to buy when I had the money, the planning for a beach trip [I actually don’t like the beach, but after I get back from Chile, I feel like I still need to re-write memories from the beach], the job hunting process, the logistics of this entire trip and on and on and on…
My mind felt like it was honestly this little wheel that spun without stopping, as if my thoughts were these little post-it notes that were flying all around and never stuck to anything. I couldn’t sleep. But now, I feel so removed from everything back home and I honestly like it. I mean, is this what the life of a traveler is like? 😋 Now, I don’t feel my mind senselessly rushing and thinking and worrying. Of course I still think about what I will get back to, but that’s not now, that’s later.
Some things I’ve noticed during my time here: My face [or chin, I should say] has cleared up and I just have small scar markings [yay! Cicatricure should do the trick now!], I sleep like a little angel especially since it’s cooler here and my mind shuts off; I’m not as attached to my phone as I thought and I have really liked being ‘disconnected’ from most of social media; family is sacred and sincerely the only thing I want closest in life; I DON’T THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I’M SINGLE! I embrace it now even more, but not in a prideful way I think. I’ve seen so many couples here in Chile, so much PDA than I’ve ever seen back home that I think seeing that has distracted me enough to know I don’t want to look like that anytime soon.
Back in the states, I remember there was this bitterness I felt at seeing couples–all the fucking time. I had this resistance at seeing two individuals so disgustingly in love with each other or showing too much PDA claiming to be in love; I admit I was wanting to convince myself I didn’t care, but of course I cared. Part of me kept questioning why no one was falling at my feet as I saw so many other couples doing that for each other [ha]. It’s selfish, but honestly since I was 5 years old I’ve had someone like me, so now having no one like me was weird. How spoiled. I wanted to believe that I didn’t need all that shit to be happy–I don’t, but months ago I was still upset. It childishly felt like I wanted someone to give me attention when I am not the kind of person that seeks it. I just wanted to be appreciated and valued by someone of the opposite sex, if I’m completely honest. I wanted to be seen for all of my strengths and values, not fall in love with me. But ha, to my luck all I found in Raleigh were these beautiful married men or just these immature 30 year-olds that were still bragging at how drunk they had gotten over the weekend. Neither are good choices.
The fact that I actually worried and quietly began to question the following really started to worry me. I had thoughts like: “Am I still pretty? Is it because I chopped off my hair and now, I’m seen as less attractive? I’ve had friends tell me that a pixie ‘intimidates’ guys…? Are guys really that stupid to get intimated by a haircut? Or, is it because I have a baby face since I don’t cake up my face? Should I buy make-up?…wait. Why the fuck should I?! Supposedly, I’m this hipster according to all my friends and family and I don’t need expensive shit to be pretty. I don’t need anything to be ‘prettier’ or ‘attractive;’ just need to be myself–caring, blunt, protective, reserved, and quirky. Someone will eventually like me for all of who I am…right?”