In touch before him

There have been so many external things going on, which I’ve tried to get out and process through this blog, but maybe I haven’t been doing that as much as I thought. Recently–maybe 3 or 4 days ago– I felt as if I suddenly felt too much. There was too much to process. An overload. And the tip of the iceberg was my cousin saying, “Why don’y you just leave?” He truly can be a hard-ass, idiot and everyone knows that. Although I know deep down he cares about me, that question was unnecessary.

I shut down after that. I thought about not wanting to leave Chile, much less Temuco; I thought about the reality that awaits me back in the states; the hesitancy of the unknown; the insecurities that wrap me up when I don’t want them to; I thought of all the things I don’t want to do or don’t want be and the resistance, the belittlement I have towards myself; I thought of all the words Sergio wrote to me and how shocked, but appreciated I felt–almost making me feel hopeful that there are people out there who are capable of seeing me just as I am without wanting to change my essence.

There is still a lot more to process within the listed thoughts, but the main ones have to do with the personal confidence piece and being [somehow] at peace with my momentary unknown future. 

Dani has been such a great help with all of this. It’s honestly been therapeutic for me to talk to her because she’s been able to remind me of who I said I wanted to be–and, that it’s not late to become that person. She reminded that right now in Chile, I hold two “identities.” The one back in the states who is independent and capable of doing anything on her own and the one here in Chile–unsure of the typical daily living and who seems to be easily influenced since I’m hearing so many voices of opinions [by those who know me and don’t know me].

I’ve realized that I know how to take care of myself when I’m alone, but in a group of people [even though my family is super chill and introverted], I don’t. Since I’m never with family, of course, I want to take advantage and spend as much quality time with them But Dani’s right: “You always have time for yourself and since you haven’t done that, you’ve only been hurting yourself by suppressing all the things you might want to process.”

She’s right. There’s a lot more I may need to think about since I haven’t necessarily given myself the time as of recently. She’s recommended that I take these last few days in Chile as pure vacation–to stop trying to plan ahead, to stop applying to jobs when I keep finding it so hard to do anyways. Maybe I’ve been forcing myself to think and be someone I’m not. However, I’ve also stressed myself into thinking how much I don’t want to be like him when he was living this stage. With my aunt who is so blunt, I know she’s right when she said, “He ruined all of your confidence when you were with him, because before him you were fine with who you were. Now, you doubt yourself in everything only because the idiot [or, ”weon” to be accurate] did the same to himself.”

Before him, I knew [or I think I knew] what I wanted. I never imagined myself living in the states forever. At first, I wanted to do non-profit international work in third world countries. But with his massive insecurity thinking I’d never come back, I compromised and told him I wouldn’t leave. Now, I think maybe I wouldn’t necessarily want to go to Africa, but still somewhere rural as long as I can refrigerate my insulin.

Before him, I had a greater relationship with God and my practice for gratitude. It’s like I substituted my relationship with God for the one I want to have my boyfriend.

Before him, I had a free spirit who constantly wanted to explore the world, learn through cultural differences, and fluidly move with whatever life brought me. He told me he fell in love with that part of me, but also told me that part “scared” him. I let him clip my wings.

Before him, I had dreams that were mine–formed in the quietest hours of the night during my high school years. Those dreams were big, but they didn’t scare me. They motivated me to take a bigger bite out of the world.

I dreamed of getting my Ph.D so that my name would forever remain the same;

I dreamed of one day owning a big house close to a body of water, with an upstairs art studio, large glass windows, and plenty of wildflowers to surround it;

I dreamed I would learn how to play different instruments starting with guitar;

I dreamed of being fluent in different languages, like my Great-Grandfather–starting with French;

I dreamed of writing a book maybe telling my story of overcoming these insecurities, of self-love, of growth–truly learning to love myself more.

I dreamed of making it to Boston and live in a small, yet eclectic space that would embody my spirit;

I dreamed of having found a sense of inner purpose, peace, and having a daily practice of gratitude with God, the environment, and myself.

deeply want to go back to being the girl that took life one day at a time; the girl who was in love with the world and viewed life as an overflowing cup of water, which constantly poured out good intentions to others and myself.

I want to be this girl because that’s when I was the happiest.

I want to be someone who can reconstruct a relationship with God because I want to, not because I feel lonely and broken.I want to learn how to trust God more [like I used to] and just give in to whatever He has in store for me with peace in my heart.

I am tired of worrying.

I am tired of assuming my life will always be difficult and prepare for the worse.

I am tired of second guessing my potential and capabilities when for some reason or another, I’m where I’m at now.

I am tired of the insecurities because I’m only limiting myself. I’ve put myself into this comfort-zone box and I don’t want that. I want to be able to believe in myself and do all the things I’ve wanted to do to the best of my ability.

Cooped up in a little box is no life I want for myself, and definitely not one I worked so hard to get. Fuck that–not me.

 

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