The only song I can think of playing is “Je Reviens” by Autour de Lucie. It makes me think of my teenage feelingss and the brief lyrics I do understand.
“I’m coming back/I’ve returned and I ignored…” Then, something about the sea returning certain bodies.
But I also think about the instrumental parts that allowed me to soar in dreams back when I was younger; thinking, hoping and praying that I’d somehow be able to escape the trauma and difficulties brought on by my living situation with Dad.
Now, I’ve been able to see how all of his actions have had this domino effect that’s led him to be where he is today–with debt, with another strenous job, without a good car, with mental health issues, with vices and addictions, with eating disorders, with a sense of depression that nothing is worth living for if one’s alone. All of the decisions he made and did not make years ago have led him to become this person who may not have a way “out.” By that, I mean that he’s trapped. He’s trapped himself into this vision of a person with no ambition and who is chronically living day by day on the basis of what he can attain by the skin of his teeth.
His insecurities, attitude, and fears have guided him to take this ever whinding path which make take him the rest of his life to get out of, if he chooses to.
And here I am for some strange reason thinking that I may end up like him if I don’t have something soon–a job. I have relived these anxieties of what my life could be like if I don’t have a simple job to get me out of the house, to help pay my bills, to help me grow as a person, to help me build on a future I’ve always dreamed for myself.