There goes the fear

Bits of wisdom found in this song from my middle school & high school days.

*

My mind wanders to all of the worst scenarios if I do not find a job before I go to Atlanta in August. With the multiple challenges that surround me right now as I returned from Chile, I find it very hard to see any light at the end of this very, very dark tunnel. It feels like all the things I ‘escaped’ in Chile are literally starting to crush me, making me feel heavier and heavier.

With bills piling up mostly from my apartment, I am both fearful and angry. Before even buying tickets to Chile, I knew I would need to ask my Dad to lend me some money to cover for my apartment payments and he said he would help. “Don’t worry, mi nina” he said, “I’ll take care of it.” I only needed $300 to cover June, but he never deposited the amount.

Throughout the years, I have heard the same excuse of him not being fiscally responsible: “the job is not going so well” when really, he just has been misusing his earnings and spending everything all at once–that be for late bills, his vices, or having to repay other people when he asked for borrowed money. His actions that have been like this have had irreversible consequences on my Mom and I. Through trial and error, I have learned that I can never count on him to come through when we have needed him the most, even though he begs us to trust him.

Finally, I am now owing close to $2000 with late fees on my apartment and if I do not have that paid in by a certain deadline, court action will be taken against me. All because of $300 that he “did not have the time to deposit..and then the following week, there was not a lot of work.” 

I know I must sound like a selfish daughter, but one of these days will I actually take the time to sit and write  how my Dad’s decisions and actions have created this domino effect of inescapable debt, mistrust, and disappointment. I feel so lost with what I should do at knowing this man is my father, but he seems to refuse to want to get help, get better, and get his shit together. So, instead he pulls both my Mom and I under with him, even though we have tried our hardest to rise above it all. Not knowing where my path is leading me [since I am unemployed at the moment] everything seems to be a test to push me towards lot of discomfort, lots of insecurity, and ultimately [maybe] to finally turn to God even when I feel they have been breaking me.

For all this that is ongoing, I must believe there is a higher reason; a moral lesson that I need to take in once and for all. The more I resist, the harder I will make it on myself. Just accept whatever needs to happen, even if it terrifies you. One day, I will outlive past the obstacles I find momentarily limit me–and yes, one of those obstacles is my Dad’s lifestyle.


 

fear

[July 6,2016]

Over a year ago, I had a daily mantra of “you are good enough” written on my mirror so I’d see it everyday. This was right after the break-up.

Today, I still have the biggest fears as they encompass all the ideas of people that I never want to become. I have fear of rejection even though  I have taken the minimum steps to confront it; I have overworked myself emotionally in knowing I need something [like dat jobz], when I have not actually done something to ATTAIN ONE; I have come to believe that my life will always be hard and I will forever be crawling out of the darkest tunnels by the skin of my teeth. I am terrified that I will remain “stuck” in this limbo that neither moves up or down, and that my mind will become this scared, decrepit little thing, incapable of confronting the very fears that mentally limit me. The same fears I have both absorbed from others and have adopted as my own.

I have faith in a God, a higher power and being that somehow still…wants what is best for me. I have engulfed myself to think that my life is over if I do not find something quick, but the reality is I also do not have much of a choice. Unlike many, I really do not have the option of returning home to my parents and for the first time, that frightens me when it should not [more on that later].

I always wanted to be this highly independent individual who would live with a minimalism lifestyle, stereotypical of all those simple, chic French women . And now, as hard as it is for me to convince myself of this insight, I know I need to: EVERY challenge, joy, opportunity, and closed door has prepared me for this very moment. This moment where I feel that I am engulfed in this darkness and I do not know for how long I will be in it. However, I have survived all those previous times and somehow, I must believe that the best things will come with time, much effort, humility, and faith.

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you’d only try turning around.

This is my life right now.


THERE GOES THE FEAR LYRICS-THE DOVES

Out of here, we’re out of here
Out of heartache along with fear
There goes the fear again
There goes the fear

And cars speed fast, out of here
And life goes past again so near
There goes the fear again
There goes the fear

Close your brown eyes
And lay down next to me
Close your eyes, lay down
‘Cause there goes the fear, let it go

You turn around and life’s passed you by
You look to ones you love to ask them why ?
You look to those you love to justify
You turned around and life’s passed you by
Passed you by again

And late last night makes up her mind
Another fight left behind
There goes the fear again, let it go
There goes the fear

Think of me when you’re coming down
But don’t look back when leaving town
Think of me when he’s calling out
But don’t look back when leaving town, yeah

Think of me when you close your eyes
But don’t look back when you break all ties
Think of me when you’re coming down
But don’t look back when leaving town today

There goes the fear again, let it go
There goes the fear, let it go

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