So you bet your life 

I cannot help but believe that when he hears this song, he smiles crookedly like when something deeply has affected him, yet also has reminded him of how mysterious-while-at-the-same-time-“in-your-face” life can be. And it’s like the song fills him with memories–the ones he wants to have and the one he does not want to have. 

He knows that he hurt me, that he gravely disappointed me, and that ultimately he lost me. I believe that we both will always think of one another with general kindness of what our good days were, and know that in the time we were together, we did sincerely love one another. 

And so, I imagine the years will have passed and this song will come up randomly on the radio and it will fill him with this bittersweetness and this urge to do better. To be a better human-being in memory of me, in hearing this song as if it were  written for him, and to do better for all the potential I told him he had.  To do better for himself, not because he feels “guilty” to be better to prove himself to others. 

Maybe the sole purpose I was ever placed in his life was so that he could learn first-hand how to be the kind of man he truly wants to be versus the man he was incapable of being for me while in his early twenties…and by getting confused and listening to all the voices you put over your own. 

I think that he’ll hear it and maybe be haunted by it forever because his conscience is profoundly deep. But I don’t know. People change so much sometimes once you’ve been out of their lives for a while. 

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