unexplainable.

In the last two days, I have realized that I mentally feel as if my mind has gone back to the 14-year old state of thought. With such little worries compared to what I had just 6 months ago, or even one year ago, it feels like much weight has been lifted from my soul. The expectations I had for myself were like everyone else in my cohort–graduate, have some down time over the summer, and find a job in my profession.

However, I have continued on this limbo-like phase where I am just working part-time at a coffeeshop and what I do is simple. I go in at the start of my shift, I get people’s orders while making conversations, take out some trash, and go home. There is no greater worry of anything else going wrong or feeling external pressures pushing me to my limits on my own mental health and well-being.

It is the hardest thing to even explain; this notion that my mind feels as if it’s returned to when I was 14, but with the maturity I’ve gained in the last decade. It’s strange: Even the music I’ve been listening to me makes me reminisce of all those [unexplainable] feelings I’d have when I was back in 8th grade. Back in those years, I felt I had the capacity to just think and allow myself to get carried away aimlessly with whatever my head started to form.

A hopelessly made-up scenario where my supposed love finds me in an open field of tall grass before it starts to rain [images that piece it together].

Imaging myself walking through a moor, hazy with fog like the scenes from Pride and Prejudice–in search of answers.

Unknowingly appreciating the darkness of dystopian societies and the books that introduced them to me in high school–1984, Anthem, Cloud Atlas.

The identification I found with wanting some songs that I listened to actually ‘play’ out in my life or simply resonated with me:

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg

Why Does it Always Rain on Me by Travis

Nothing in My Way by Keane

And mostly, the innocence that I saw related to love and everything I believed/wanted  it to encompass.

 

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