reflection 01. 17

Two hours ago, I attempted at writing my thoughts via paper–my usual method of jotting down what is wrong so that I can process better. However, the downside is that it’s not as quick as typing. So, here is another attempt to convey the arrayed mess of what went I felt last night during NYE.

  • During the holidays, I have learned that I become extremely sensitive to my surroundings; sensing how most people are in a place I am not [by this, I mean in a relationship] and almost wishing I could also fit in to that mold.
  • I have not personally been to a Hispanic party since I was like, five years old. My parents removed themselves from that environment very early on. Due to that, I find myself feeling as if I missed out on some part of my ‘Hispanic’ identity. I never learned how to dance, I never learned to just not care about my lack of rhythm…Had I grown up in that environment as a child, maybe I could have felt confident with everyone that was taking advanced merengue steps or simply doing simple back and forth steps by themselves. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this need to hide my body through scarves and long cardigans. Maybe I’d be some hoochie momma wearing a pink sequin dress that barely covers my ass. Or not, I really don’t know. Maybe I’d just be more confident, period.
  • There’s nothing I can do to change this, but I began feeling somewhat self-conscious because people looked at me curiously, with faces that read “is this girl a gringa, or she just really pale?” Had I been able to move like the rest of the women, the looks might have been brief. They might have even expressed, “damn, white girl can move! Oh wait, she’s actually Chilena? Cool!” Maybe I would have had at least one guy take my hand and take my out on the dance floor. However, remembering my own awkwardness, I probably looked extremely uncomfortable and insecure in my own skin. So, the likelihood of any guy coming up to me were already lowered. *Remember, everyone will like confident people no matter what.*
  • I knew no one practically. There was my boss and two co-workers, while one would soon be leaving after midnight. My other co-worker was out having fun, dancing with the cutest guy at the party. She had good intentions and I know deep down she just wanted me to have fun, but my own insecurity didn’t allow me. Unlike what she believed, a drink would not take away my insecurity. It’d briefly allow me to let go, loose control, and make me feel dumb later. I never want liquid courage to be my ticket into feeling looser. I want to be able to feel that on my own because of my own confidence. Alcohol is just momentary.
  • Like I mentioned, there was this one really cute guy. Instant crush of the night. Hispano, good looking, with a great ability to dance. Ni me pesco. He probably thought I was gringa as one of my co-workers introduced us. American-styled handshakes. Not a kiss on the cheek, as is custom. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew I liked him from afar. And I don’t think I was crazy in thinking that he was looking at me too, but I realize now that maybe it was out of curiosity again. He didn’t look at me because he thought I was pretty or interesting enough to meet. Hm, girl he doesn’t know. Can she dance? Nope. She’s reserved in comparison to everyone else? Yea, not worth it. Stick with those I know.
    • Then again, those are my insecurities speaking.
    • I hated and still hate the feeling that if I had had this one guy just ask me to dance, or force me to, I would have felt better about myself. As if, YES, I did it.
    • LESSON and realized point: In the future, the guy will like me first. He will be interested in me from afar before I even know or look at him. He may be someone completely  different to what I’m “expecting,” but that’s how it will go down. Why? Because every time I look at someone and like them for the moment, nothing will come of it. I need someone who is so fucking interested and curious about me that they will be patudo and will just confront me. Let’s dance. Tell me why you haven’t done xyz. Let me help you feel like you can loose a little control and still be okay. That’s what they’ll do.
      • But, now isn’t the time yet obviously.

Yup. That’s a pretty good representation of all that was going on in my head. I let myself feel so uncomfortable mostly because I really didn’t know anyone. Had I been with a few more people, I might have been okay. Might have stayed the night. Instead, I peaced out at 2AM, had tears streaming down my face the whole car ride home, and had my Momma hug me at 3AM.

Now,  as I have literally gotten all this off my chest at my Sunday coffee shop, I realize enough is enough. I hurt myself last night by caring too much of what people could think and not being confident in my own skin to just stick it through and see what could come of it. Of course, not everything is meant to work out, no matter how many good intentions and innocent expectations we put into place.

For this year, that may be my constant intention: to enable myself to be a happier, more confident version of myself. Within that, comes the physical, mental, spiritual, and relational aspects of myself. This week, I’m signing up at Burlington Krav Maga so I can start feeling stronger and more fit. I always loved punching shit and it’s been too long since I’ve done this.

All of these insecurities popped up to show me how much more work I need to do for myself. Only I am the bearer of my happiness. I’d rather learn how to be that first before anyone else comes along.

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