i don’t even know how to explain

I had an idea of what I was going to write, but then got distracted with youtube videos. There are some stuff going on in my head–nothing bad–but I am still a little surprised, mostly because it was all unexpected.

After this past weekend in Alabama, Jaime and I have not stopped talking. And it is great because I’m feeling: “Wow, a guy unlike anyone I have ever met is talking to me genuinely. It is a mutual conversation coming from the both of us. I seriously have no doubt about that.”

And I was smiling before all of this. He just seemed to have paid more attention, which says something to me, at least. He keeps saying how we will talk more of ourselves and of our traumas when we see each other again, or how I will need to come see him in Dallas, and I suggested we can meet somewhere in the middle in a city we have never gone too. Have a little adventure. It is a good second option, I think.

This kind of vulnerability would have scared me months ago, but it just happened, and I choose to embrace it rather than question it. Because he cannot hurt me. He is far from me and though it sucks, I really do not know when I will see him again. He tells me how he hopes it is sooner than August–the supposed month we will all (Texas, North Carolina, and Louisiana groups) meet up in New Orleans because I would not see him at the National Assembly in late August because he cannot fly with his two arrest charges–another in-person story to be shared.

My solace in all this is that I truly did not seek this. It kind of just happened. Though it is slightly scary because of my own previous traumas and insecurities, I have nothing to lose. I could make a really great friend of him, I mean his whole group with Ale and I got along great! I just did not expect him to seem so interested and receptive of me.

I cannot stop smiling and I am telling myself it was the energy of everyone in Alabama. Talking to Jaime this week just made me happier and everyone around me saw that, without knowing the reason. It leaves me wondering why that is and why we cannot have the power within ourselves to portray that on our own, not by the cause of someone else. But it is easier to light up when someone else sees your light. I guess it has just been a while…

He has even offered to help me purchase a plane ticket to Dallas. He has invited me to go with him to Mexico so he can show me what tourists are never able to see. He has told me he wants to introduce me to his nieces whenever I visit. He has told me that the next time we are together, we will dance all night long like idiots. He has again told me that he hopes to see me sooner than August although deep down I know that may not be even possible then, but who knows. He has told me that he will have my morning coffee ready so I can always start my day off happy. He has joked that I will have to come see him every time I want to listen to the [Viva la Vida] Coldplay vinyl he will give me since he has a vinyl player, and lastly (or what I lastly remember until now) is that we will talk about our stories, our struggles, our traumas whenever we see each other again.

…I mean, is this just who he is or is this generally how a Latino/Hispanic guy is? I am thinking that this is just him, but even though I am new to this kind of direct, very straight-forward attention, I do like it. I prefer when people can just get to the point rather than dancing around what they are trying to say.

Again, I have no idea why he has told me all the above, but part of does need to accept that some people [or most] may just like me for who I am, even if I am still not 100% okay with myself. I do not want to overthink anything regarding this whole situation because it does me no good. If I do, I would not be enjoying the mere simplicity of it all.

I have not judged this or myself as of yet and I do not want to. In an odd, unexpected way, talking to him has made me see little parts of me reawaken, when deep down, I thought they might be dormant forever.

I mean, two nights ago he just said:

“Tell me more about yourself, please.”

“Okay…anything you want to know?”

“Tell me your dreams.”

It is a question, a statement seeking depth, and I love that. Tampoco me quiero pasar rollos, but I like this. I like him a lot and there is nothing to really fear.

The reality is that we are far away so there cannot be pain brought by expectations. The only expectation I can keep is that we will talk when we can and when we want to, if not, we simply will not. But sure, it does suck we could not go to the movies last night like he asked 🙂

Ah, what is happening? No se. But I will not judge it, I will embrace whatever it brings.


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