A letter to him:

I don’t know who you are and if I do, I’ll patiently wait until fate shows me there’s a moment to truly open that door. Until then, I won’t be closed up and afraid, like I use to be. I do want to be careful of anyone who may be close to who you’re meant to be, but I won’t make the mistake of closing myself up like a clam, to escape pain or the inevitability of it. I may know you personally, or I may be getting to know you, or it is possible I still haven’t met you. I don’t know.

I just hope that when that moment does come, which I am slowly starting to accept as a possibility, I’ll be as ready as I’ll ever be. To love you, grow with you, have you challenge me and have the best kind of faith that together we can do so much more. I hope that we never stop learning from one another and take each new day with the simplest joy of what it is: just a brand new day with you–to love, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy. As resistant as I’ve allowed myself to become, I don’t to become an old, brittled soul whose capacity to love and dream of someone like you dries up with the years.

I believe that you’ll see my true beauty, both internally and externally, and know how to work with me past my struggles and insecurities. I hope you will have seen me first, my soul as well, before you thought of me as physically attractive. I pray you are patient with me when I can’t find the nerve to tell you all the vulnerable truths I wish to share with you–for a while, I won’t tell you how beautiful of a soul you are, because I’ll be too afraid I’ll lose myself in telling you what I really think about you; too afraid I’ll share too much and idealize you for an idea you nor anyone will ever be. However, your words, your essence will continue to bring a deep smile to my face, bring a warmth to my heart, and I’ll hold that part of you for as long as I can, until I find that my heart can truly be trusted to yours. Then, and only then, will I believe I can give myself to you.

I believe that you’ll be that water my soul needs to continue growing and I hope that I can be that same calming summer storm for you afterwards. I don’t know if you’re out there, but for the first time in years, I want to believe that you are. I want to find you and fall in love with you slowly and then all at once. I want us to be absolutely crazy about each other in the purest and most scandalous ways. I want us to enjoy ever single, little joy life brings and that no matter how many years pass by, we’ll find a way to see one another like we did the first time we met–gentle hearted and full of hope with all that the future held.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted this idea of you as much as I want it now, but I’ll wait for you just as I hope you wait for me if you indeed find me first.

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