no f*cks

You know what I realize is something both frustrating and destructive?

Whenever there are some people who think, or through their actions, express their lack of greater faith in you. Do you even imagine the kind of detrimental effects that has on a person? To know that someone–that be someone in your family, your partner/spouse, friend, colleague, boss–honestly thinks that for a second YOU cannot do something? Or you are not prepared, when in your heart, YOU know you can.

I have been personally struggling with that from my boss. She and I have butted heads in the past for some very good reasons (I think), but as of recently, I have sensed that that tension has been slightly amplified. Both due to her wish that I could have these impressive numbers to offer her for my program, but also I think, due to the fact that it has taken the organization around 4 years to wholeheartedly decide that employees will suffer consequences due to time management, lack of initiative, and communication. It has felt that I was automatically placed under the same umbrella as the rest of the employees that have had lower performance, when they have been there for much longer than I have.

She says, “You have been with us since November [2016, mind you] and I am growing more and more concerned about your lack of action. You should have been able to do more than what you have done.”

I laugh because I know that is an unprofessional manner on which to express yourself as CEO of an organization. In grand part, yes, I do agree with you: I could have done things differently, maybe getting some stuff done and giving you the precious numbers you need to prove to the Board that the organization has their shit together…when the truth is, shit was already out of control WAY before I arrived in November. So, again: to stick me under the same umbrella as everyone else, is actually quite irrational on your part. But whatever. I will smile.

I believe my program needs to do other things before seeing actual, REAL data results; such as, an actual TRANSITION period with a ECH employee who is committed to stick around for > 1 year…not constant transition of personnel and then having to recreate rapport and trust with the community. There will be very little results and progress if personnel keeps leaving. But, one must then ask themselves WHY does staff keep leaving. I have committed myself to stay for at least 2 years to be able to see some changes–I know I will not see all of them, I may not even reach 50% of what I want, but that is the REALITY.

Other colleagues and personal supporters have told me that what ‘they’ [the administration] had hoped I would have achieved by now those unrealistic expectations. And that is stupid. So, I actually feel pretty good about myself even though I now more than ever, want to prove that I can do shit–better than what they thought. They never broke me, ha. That is just me being a little bit spiteful 🙂

But to go back to the starting point, it is so important to not listen to what others think your potential is. It is not in your need to impress them or to care what impressions you have on them, because at the end of the day, YOU need to be the one that is okay with yourself.

Harry wraps it up quite well. All my fucks about this work culture and behavior have flown away…and I am just going to smile like a fool and not be bothered by shit. Life is too short.

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