esto es lo que pasa por mi cabeza

Creo que muchas veces no sé como responder [ o creo que sé, pero esta todo en mi mente] y me da un poco de nervio al decirlo todo. Jaime, me gustas por la forma en que vez la vida. Me gusta, y me vuelve loca en realidad, el que vez tanto pequeño detalle similar a lo que veo yo: en la naturaleza, en la simplicidad de la vida; en que estas consciente de todas las cosas que quieres trabajar y mejorar en ti mismo. Me encanta que eres alguien tan consciente de todo eso porque hay muchas personas que les fascina  hablar, que les encanta decir que son una o otra cosa cuando no lo son. Pero también yo digo, una persona que es así de consciente de la profundidad a lo que creen y ven en la vida, y lo que ven que es importante en la vida, no puede estar mintiendo.

Y eso es lo que me atrae, lo que me vuelve loca, aunque no digo nada, me rio por lo mismo porque pienso, “¿como puede ser que exista alguien tan cercano en pensamiento con las cosas y valores que yo también siento?” En el pasado he visto y sentido cosas pero, bueno, siempre he pensado que soy yo nomas–pero después aquí llegas tu, y estas prácticamente sacando mucho  de mis valores personales hacia afuera de mi. Es como que si tu mismo estuvieras leyendo mi mente, y ahi estoy como WOW. Yo no pensé que otra persona podría pensar de esa forma o ver algo como lo veo yo. No eres como el resto que dice, “ah, si yo entiendo o puedo empatizar.” No, siento como que realmente lo crees, que es algo que llevas dentro de ti. Entonces me quedo callada en esos momentos porque no lo puedo creer. Me asombra de una forma tan buena que me dejas sin palabras. Me quedo sin palabras, pero a la vez siento todo.

Siento una energía tan caliente por todo mi cuerpo; es una sensación tan inexplicable. Es algo que me llena. Se que no soy tan expresiva en palabras, porque también no te conozco [aunque siento que te he llegado a conocer  gran parte de ti en tan poco tiempo]. Igual, parte de mi es como que resiste un poquitito porque digo, “okay apenas a pasado un mes y siento que ya lo he conocido por mucho mas tiempo.” Entonces ahi es donde trato de ser un poquito realista conmigo misma, y decir, ” okay cálmate, queda todo el tiempo del mundo!” Pero yo en persona siento que soy mas expresiva–yo soy mas de piel y afectuosa; así es como mejor me expreso aveces si me siento en confianza. Con esto de las palabras creo que se me van a empezar a salir con tiempo. Tu al llegar a mi vida en este momento preciso, no te tu puedes imaginar o saber el cambio que tu presencia me ha causado. Yo nunca pensé que podría sentirme o pensar  todo lo que he pensado ahora. Enserio, yo jure que esa parte de mi no existía. Que ya no valía la pena en buscar nada, porque para que?

Y aquí llegas tu y me das vuelta el mundo… Me das vuelta el mundo.

Me demuestras a tu forma que existen gente aun en este mundo que ven la vida de una  manera tan linda y tan simple. Eso es lo que a mi me importa. Eso es lindo, y es lo que me hace sentir tantas cosas que ni siquiera se explicar.

Esto es gran parte lo que me pasa por la cabeza cada vez que me dices todas las cosas lindas que me dices. Tu, para mi, eres increíble. Jaime, eres mucho de lo que soñé y realmente que aveces no tengo palabras…pero eso si se. Lo siento en cada punto en mi alma y créeme que eso no ha pasado en muchísimo tiempo.

A letter to him:

I don’t know who you are and if I do, I’ll patiently wait until fate shows me there’s a moment to truly open that door. Until then, I won’t be closed up and afraid, like I use to be. I do want to be careful of anyone who may be close to who you’re meant to be, but I won’t make the mistake of closing myself up like a clam, to escape pain or the inevitability of it. I may know you personally, or I may be getting to know you, or it is possible I still haven’t met you. I don’t know.

I just hope that when that moment does come, which I am slowly starting to accept as a possibility, I’ll be as ready as I’ll ever be. To love you, grow with you, have you challenge me and have the best kind of faith that together we can do so much more. I hope that we never stop learning from one another and take each new day with the simplest joy of what it is: just a brand new day with you–to love, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy. As resistant as I’ve allowed myself to become, I don’t to become an old, brittled soul whose capacity to love and dream of someone like you dries up with the years.

I believe that you’ll see my true beauty, both internally and externally, and know how to work with me past my struggles and insecurities. I hope you will have seen me first, my soul as well, before you thought of me as physically attractive. I pray you are patient with me when I can’t find the nerve to tell you all the vulnerable truths I wish to share with you–for a while, I won’t tell you how beautiful of a soul you are, because I’ll be too afraid I’ll lose myself in telling you what I really think about you; too afraid I’ll share too much and idealize you for an idea you nor anyone will ever be. However, your words, your essence will continue to bring a deep smile to my face, bring a warmth to my heart, and I’ll hold that part of you for as long as I can, until I find that my heart can truly be trusted to yours. Then, and only then, will I believe I can give myself to you.

I believe that you’ll be that water my soul needs to continue growing and I hope that I can be that same calming summer storm for you afterwards. I don’t know if you’re out there, but for the first time in years, I want to believe that you are. I want to find you and fall in love with you slowly and then all at once. I want us to be absolutely crazy about each other in the purest and most scandalous ways. I want us to enjoy ever single, little joy life brings and that no matter how many years pass by, we’ll find a way to see one another like we did the first time we met–gentle hearted and full of hope with all that the future held.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted this idea of you as much as I want it now, but I’ll wait for you just as I hope you wait for me if you indeed find me first.

this is ALL i feel, which i cannot say just yet outloud

 

Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis
You found my heart
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis

[Verse 1: Foxes]
I am stuck in quicksand
And I am trying not to drown
Fell in deeper this time and I’m struggling to get out
And doubt creeps into my soul
And now, I’ve found there’s nothing left to hold

[Chorus: Foxes]
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis

[Verse 2: Foxes]
I thought I’d died
I had no fight, I had given up
Thought I was done, I was savaged by the sun
I thought I’d died
I had no fight, I had turned to dust
When I came to in your arms I knew I would make it through

[Chorus: Foxes]
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis
You found my heart
Tonight I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis
(You found my heart)

Idealism and Reality

There is this soft, hanging feeling of discomfort for what I have realized as the North Carolina wind runs wildly through my unkempt hair. I’m sitting on the sidewalk curb right next to a coffeeshop, while it is still shaded, but the sun will soon reach me with the passing time; it is almost 1PM.

I am mentally preparing for my Alabama trip as I will be the sole person driving for the 9-10+ hour journey. I am assuming that I will be surrounded by mostly [loud] Hispanics, which are the complete opposite to my nature. My quietness is reflective of my discomfort and comfort I feel in situations, but I guess, I am mentally preparing for a weekend of conversations going “in circles” and not immediately to the point; naturally loud speaking voices, and getting looked at differently when they all see that “Doña Constanza” is actually a white, young-looking Chilean-American with a neutral Spanish/English accent. [Doña means Mrs and for me, it is a rather olden term; there is also Señora, but they all sound ugly to me].

That hanging feeling of discomfort, which I sadly cannot explain but as that, is one that makes me question this particular point in my life. This life, right now. This unknown and confusing moment where I am receiving therapy, working hard to better understand my insecurities and move past them. This moment where I deeply want to become a small entrepreneur and sell my art–to get my domain on SquareSpace, get a simple page up to show my pieces, and write the little reflections and insights that come to mind. That part of me that wants to set aside the nonprofit job [for now] and live a simpler, but richer life: in a tiny home or cabin, away from major distractions, and be able to live off my art. Die hard INFP wishes and desires.

The reality is crushing because it dictates that I cannot do that–no matter how much I am desperately trying to keep that dream alive. The reality is that I have an expensive burden to carry [my type one diabetes] and until I cannot feel safe and secure that those needs will be met without major complications, I cannot take that next step. I can try by risking myself and sharing my dreams, my art, my true self.

The reality is that scrolling through all of these beautiful images on Pinterest both appeal to me, but make me feel uncomfortable. Those images are both a reminder of what I want in life–it makes it easier to picture, but it also shows that I simply cannot attain it right now. On the other hand, they also serve as a visual motivator of what I want my life to look like {one day}. Looking through all those quotes, all those stupid succulent plants, and dreamy-like boho homes honestly does not serve me well at all. But I know that a large part of that comes into HOW I confront those discomforting feelings.

Alright, time to go.

The sun has caught up to me.