esto es lo que pasa por mi cabeza

Creo que muchas veces no sé como responder [ o creo que sé, pero esta todo en mi mente] y me da un poco de nervio al decirlo todo. Jaime, me gustas por la forma en que vez la vida. Me gusta, y me vuelve loca en realidad, el que vez tanto pequeño detalle similar a lo que veo yo: en la naturaleza, en la simplicidad de la vida; en que estas consciente de todas las cosas que quieres trabajar y mejorar en ti mismo. Me encanta que eres alguien tan consciente de todo eso porque hay muchas personas que les fascina  hablar, que les encanta decir que son una o otra cosa cuando no lo son. Pero también yo digo, una persona que es así de consciente de la profundidad a lo que creen y ven en la vida, y lo que ven que es importante en la vida, no puede estar mintiendo.

Y eso es lo que me atrae, lo que me vuelve loca, aunque no digo nada, me rio por lo mismo porque pienso, “¿como puede ser que exista alguien tan cercano en pensamiento con las cosas y valores que yo también siento?” En el pasado he visto y sentido cosas pero, bueno, siempre he pensado que soy yo nomas–pero después aquí llegas tu, y estas prácticamente sacando mucho  de mis valores personales hacia afuera de mi. Es como que si tu mismo estuvieras leyendo mi mente, y ahi estoy como WOW. Yo no pensé que otra persona podría pensar de esa forma o ver algo como lo veo yo. No eres como el resto que dice, “ah, si yo entiendo o puedo empatizar.” No, siento como que realmente lo crees, que es algo que llevas dentro de ti. Entonces me quedo callada en esos momentos porque no lo puedo creer. Me asombra de una forma tan buena que me dejas sin palabras. Me quedo sin palabras, pero a la vez siento todo.

Siento una energía tan caliente por todo mi cuerpo; es una sensación tan inexplicable. Es algo que me llena. Se que no soy tan expresiva en palabras, porque también no te conozco [aunque siento que te he llegado a conocer  gran parte de ti en tan poco tiempo]. Igual, parte de mi es como que resiste un poquitito porque digo, “okay apenas a pasado un mes y siento que ya lo he conocido por mucho mas tiempo.” Entonces ahi es donde trato de ser un poquito realista conmigo misma, y decir, ” okay cálmate, queda todo el tiempo del mundo!” Pero yo en persona siento que soy mas expresiva–yo soy mas de piel y afectuosa; así es como mejor me expreso aveces si me siento en confianza. Con esto de las palabras creo que se me van a empezar a salir con tiempo. Tu al llegar a mi vida en este momento preciso, no te tu puedes imaginar o saber el cambio que tu presencia me ha causado. Yo nunca pensé que podría sentirme o pensar  todo lo que he pensado ahora. Enserio, yo jure que esa parte de mi no existía. Que ya no valía la pena en buscar nada, porque para que?

Y aquí llegas tu y me das vuelta el mundo… Me das vuelta el mundo.

Me demuestras a tu forma que existen gente aun en este mundo que ven la vida de una  manera tan linda y tan simple. Eso es lo que a mi me importa. Eso es lindo, y es lo que me hace sentir tantas cosas que ni siquiera se explicar.

Esto es gran parte lo que me pasa por la cabeza cada vez que me dices todas las cosas lindas que me dices. Tu, para mi, eres increíble. Jaime, eres mucho de lo que soñé y realmente que aveces no tengo palabras…pero eso si se. Lo siento en cada punto en mi alma y créeme que eso no ha pasado en muchísimo tiempo.

A letter to him:

I don’t know who you are and if I do, I’ll patiently wait until fate shows me there’s a moment to truly open that door. Until then, I won’t be closed up and afraid, like I use to be. I do want to be careful of anyone who may be close to who you’re meant to be, but I won’t make the mistake of closing myself up like a clam, to escape pain or the inevitability of it. I may know you personally, or I may be getting to know you, or it is possible I still haven’t met you. I don’t know.

I just hope that when that moment does come, which I am slowly starting to accept as a possibility, I’ll be as ready as I’ll ever be. To love you, grow with you, have you challenge me and have the best kind of faith that together we can do so much more. I hope that we never stop learning from one another and take each new day with the simplest joy of what it is: just a brand new day with you–to love, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy. As resistant as I’ve allowed myself to become, I don’t to become an old, brittled soul whose capacity to love and dream of someone like you dries up with the years.

I believe that you’ll see my true beauty, both internally and externally, and know how to work with me past my struggles and insecurities. I hope you will have seen me first, my soul as well, before you thought of me as physically attractive. I pray you are patient with me when I can’t find the nerve to tell you all the vulnerable truths I wish to share with you–for a while, I won’t tell you how beautiful of a soul you are, because I’ll be too afraid I’ll lose myself in telling you what I really think about you; too afraid I’ll share too much and idealize you for an idea you nor anyone will ever be. However, your words, your essence will continue to bring a deep smile to my face, bring a warmth to my heart, and I’ll hold that part of you for as long as I can, until I find that my heart can truly be trusted to yours. Then, and only then, will I believe I can give myself to you.

I believe that you’ll be that water my soul needs to continue growing and I hope that I can be that same calming summer storm for you afterwards. I don’t know if you’re out there, but for the first time in years, I want to believe that you are. I want to find you and fall in love with you slowly and then all at once. I want us to be absolutely crazy about each other in the purest and most scandalous ways. I want us to enjoy ever single, little joy life brings and that no matter how many years pass by, we’ll find a way to see one another like we did the first time we met–gentle hearted and full of hope with all that the future held.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted this idea of you as much as I want it now, but I’ll wait for you just as I hope you wait for me if you indeed find me first.

this is ALL i feel, which i cannot say just yet outloud

 

Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis
You found my heart
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis

[Verse 1: Foxes]
I am stuck in quicksand
And I am trying not to drown
Fell in deeper this time and I’m struggling to get out
And doubt creeps into my soul
And now, I’ve found there’s nothing left to hold

[Chorus: Foxes]
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis

[Verse 2: Foxes]
I thought I’d died
I had no fight, I had given up
Thought I was done, I was savaged by the sun
I thought I’d died
I had no fight, I had turned to dust
When I came to in your arms I knew I would make it through

[Chorus: Foxes]
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis
You found my heart
Tonight I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis
(You found my heart)

Idealism and Reality

There is this soft, hanging feeling of discomfort for what I have realized as the North Carolina wind runs wildly through my unkempt hair. I’m sitting on the sidewalk curb right next to a coffeeshop, while it is still shaded, but the sun will soon reach me with the passing time; it is almost 1PM.

I am mentally preparing for my Alabama trip as I will be the sole person driving for the 9-10+ hour journey. I am assuming that I will be surrounded by mostly [loud] Hispanics, which are the complete opposite to my nature. My quietness is reflective of my discomfort and comfort I feel in situations, but I guess, I am mentally preparing for a weekend of conversations going “in circles” and not immediately to the point; naturally loud speaking voices, and getting looked at differently when they all see that “Doña Constanza” is actually a white, young-looking Chilean-American with a neutral Spanish/English accent. [Doña means Mrs and for me, it is a rather olden term; there is also Señora, but they all sound ugly to me].

That hanging feeling of discomfort, which I sadly cannot explain but as that, is one that makes me question this particular point in my life. This life, right now. This unknown and confusing moment where I am receiving therapy, working hard to better understand my insecurities and move past them. This moment where I deeply want to become a small entrepreneur and sell my art–to get my domain on SquareSpace, get a simple page up to show my pieces, and write the little reflections and insights that come to mind. That part of me that wants to set aside the nonprofit job [for now] and live a simpler, but richer life: in a tiny home or cabin, away from major distractions, and be able to live off my art. Die hard INFP wishes and desires.

The reality is crushing because it dictates that I cannot do that–no matter how much I am desperately trying to keep that dream alive. The reality is that I have an expensive burden to carry [my type one diabetes] and until I cannot feel safe and secure that those needs will be met without major complications, I cannot take that next step. I can try by risking myself and sharing my dreams, my art, my true self.

The reality is that scrolling through all of these beautiful images on Pinterest both appeal to me, but make me feel uncomfortable. Those images are both a reminder of what I want in life–it makes it easier to picture, but it also shows that I simply cannot attain it right now. On the other hand, they also serve as a visual motivator of what I want my life to look like {one day}. Looking through all those quotes, all those stupid succulent plants, and dreamy-like boho homes honestly does not serve me well at all. But I know that a large part of that comes into HOW I confront those discomforting feelings.

Alright, time to go.

The sun has caught up to me.

Loving someone gives you courage: so what are you with self-love?

I am an avid Passion Planner user–I am using my second academic version and in a few months will be purchasing my third planner, but this time a year-round, undated, large version. The beauty of the Passion Planner is that it has a weekly quote, a weekly focus for you to hone in on along with other details. This week’s quote is the following:

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

-Lao Tzu

It could not be more perfect and fitting.

I find myself in an extremely dangerous place in my life, mentally. My self-confidence has plummeted, while I desperately try to convince myself that I am not what the demons in my head say I am–unworthy of love, better off dead than trying to find a meaning in this rather stressful life [mostly referring towards the access of affordable insulin–I am not suicidal]; the fear of knowing ALL the pertinent things in my life ARE indeed temporary, but being too afraid to do anything about it–fear of wasting time right now and not being okay down the road.

Or as my boss critiqued me a week ago, “You are too negative.”

I did not want that to be my blowing point with my boss, but it was. However, that is just where the tip hit the iceberg. There had been other greater pressures pushing upon my mind, my body, my beliefs in myself.

The truth is that last night, I grew even more nervous of what my life is going to look like 5+ years from now. Social media keeps showing me how more T1 diabetics are dying because they cannot afford their insulin, how some organizations are bringing awareness of the disease, while flashing all the fancy gadgets they or their family can afford for them, or simply [what I saw yesterday] the “T1D Black Market.” Not only am I 25 and wondering all the same things like whether I will be able to find my niche in the workplace, will I ever find someone who loves me and I them? Will I be able to buy a home and be able to do a yoga crow pose?

Well, I additionally think about insulin. Medical insurance. My pump if it malfunctions. My mental health. Always needing to have a job in order to have insurance. My access to health resources. The fact that I refuse to have a family if I cannot take care of myself first and I get upset when people say ignorant comments–“oh but when you really fall in love, you’ll change your mind and want kids. You better get a move on it too! You’re 25!” I think about these things ALL the FUCKING TIME and I am sick of it. So fucking sick of it.

According to Dr. Meg Jay, I am at the prime of my life to learn, adapt, and be who I will be for the rest of my life–and that, is already a very scary thing for me.  Scientifically, this is the crux of the best growth and excruciatingly painful experience I may have in my life, and I am not trying to be dramatic. I find solstice in the fact that Dr. Jay and every other adult I talk to, is telling me that this phase, this inner ‘destructive’ feeling and confusion is all normal and part of the process of finding my niche in this world (post graduation, in my case).

I am always at a loss of words on how to capture my feelings, but the truth is that I know I have far too many feelings. I can easily cry by hearing a song or dazing out a window on a rainy day. My self-doubt thoughts consume me. My appetite has decreased continuously, but I am eating nonetheless. I am terrified of never being ‘well’ enough to attract good people in my life and being able to keep them–both in friendships and romantic relationships. Ha, but at least I do not need to worry about latter because I am emotionally unprepared to love someone right now. What alarms me the most is the mere thought that I view my death would be easier to deal with than working through the hardships. This is a bitter truth that leaves me both scared and numb.

For too many years, I have been too self-aware of myself, my surroundings, and I have constantly over-analyzed how those factors affect me. I know that right now, I desperately need help because I do not want to sink into a dark abyss–trying to reach towards the light will only be so much harder once I have hit rock bottom. I sense that I am getting close to reaching that point, but the little bit of optimism that lies within me, keeps saying, “This will pass, I promise. Just please do not give up on yourself yet.”

It is in moments like these, with my inner most deep voice speaking out to me, that I wonder of Elizabeth Gilbert: the night she prays to God; she supplicates for a sign. She is answered by her own self, telling Liz to go back to bed. Was it God? Was it Liz? Fast forward to the part where Liz says, “God resides in me as me.” Is that internal voice really God? I always wonder that…

I have rediscovered this past week that I know very little as to why I find it so hard to love myself.  I have come to view myself as unworthy of receiving love from others–I have lost my way into seeing how I personally make any difference in this world. I feel both guilt and selfishness at thinking this, because I have told this to my Mom more than once and I know it hurts her, more than I will ever know.

Thus, I do not know what to even consider myself if I see I have been incapable of loving myself. I know I am loved by my parents, so I should have strength, but I barely feel inner strength within me. I need to believe that those I do call friends love me no matter the distance. I am selective of those I love because I am always over-analyzing and expecting to get hurt by someone I love. But does that make me feel courageous? To love?Not always.

From my previous post, I was in tears as I wrote that my best [guy] friend is this raw, beautiful human. His capacity to love on others and enjoy life is a courageous way to live–he does not seem to care if he gets hurt down the road.

As long as I am with those I love and am having fun, life is good.

^^^ Those are my friend’s words, by the way. It is such a simple piece of advise, but I have the tendency to overthink when there is no need. I just wish there was a way to tap into that mindset of gratitude, of simplicity because deep down, I know life is not worth worrying about all the issues that occupy my mind. I guess I am just seeking to find that courage to love myself more than ever.

I may not know why or how I have been led to view myself the way I do, but no one will save me unless I save myself.

And God–I still believe some stronger force and power is out there. And, I must believe that God only wants me to grow from this, no matter how painful and in a way, self-inflicted and self-deprecating it has become.

 

“everything has changed”

I don’t necessarily believe all people have the capacity of falling in love at first sight, but I am a believer that similar feelings can be present when we are with someone who unquestionably makes us feel “at home” with their presence.

I believe those of us who viciously guard our hearts for the sake of protecting ourselves are in even more danger when we do find a person we can trust, which then opens us up to be our true, unreserved selves.

I believe that those we trust the most–our best friend from childhood–are who we love and cherish above all others. It’s with them that we can speak our minds about any topic in the world, knowing we won’t be judged, just lightly made fun of from time to time.

I believe two people can love each other for years without wholeheartedly knowing how fitting they may be for one another. It’s likely just a thought that has not crossed both peoples’ minds or one of them is unwilling to risk losing such a friendship.

I believe there is an indescribable power in hugging.

Hugging is healing, my voice loudly echoed that night.

Hugging is healing.

As he embraced me tightly, with care, without doubt and hesitation.

I believe against my better judgment that ‘something’ came to the forefront Monday night. Something changed either partly in me or entirely. Every time he embraced me closer to him, a piece of my walls crumbled down, reminding me there is great beauty in vulnerability.

I believe his openness, whichever way–either to help me feel better or if there was a stronger motive than that–served as an example, where the situation held out a mirror towards me; to really make me see who I am deep down, despite trying to convince myself that I’m too complicated to love.

I believe I responded well to his affection and care because that is how I would comfort someone I care for. The truth is that I have shut myself away in expressing [or simply wanting to express] that to others, while simultaneously only allowing myself to receive that care from my Mom.

I believe his openness is a beautiful example to live life. It shows more strength, more rawness, and humanity than shutting out the world, thinking you’re doing yourself a favor in protecting yourself, when you are only damaging your spirit.

I believe there is a strength in knowing when and where to use your energy for people, but I believe he has taught me there is an even lovelier way to love and accept the world: just be open and if you do get hurt by loving it too much, you will at least know you had the purest of intentions for your fellow human.

Insuvida (1)

I sporadically have those moments at work, in the car, at a coffeeshop (anywhere, really) that I come up with what I think are interesting observations/experiences that I would like to share with others. Recently, a lot of  that consists of are my experiences as a T1 diabetic. …No, I don’t mean sharing the story of my diagnosis or stating how “strong” I think I am because of my condition. I would rather share how I have had to literally survive based on my personal account. That unique experience includes being one of the many individuals getting screwed over by high deductibles, not being able to count on my parents assistance at all, not having anyone or anything substantial to rely on.

T1 diabetes is a bitch, no matter what angle you look at it, but something I have begun to notice more and more (as T1 diabetes is gaining a little more recognition than it use to), is that it’s a bitch single-handedly because not everyone has the guarantee that they will have access to life saving medication, let alone modern day therapies and technology. Not everyone has the ability to think act on the thought that, “I won’t let my diabetes get me down; I’m going to live my life” when they may not be able to cover the most basic form of therapy . For T1s, that means your pharmacy bought insulin vials and syringes. There are those of us who have to balance out our paid checks for rent, bills, student loans, food, car expenses…and of course, our necessary diabetic supplies when it feels impossible to make ends meet.

An insulin pump, a continuous glucose monitor (CGM), an Apple (R) watch that wirelessly connects with our CGM, a Genteel (R) finger picker, and other gadgets I do not keep up with are not fiscal options for many of us with T1. Though many from the #DOC may disagree with me, I regard these items as  “luxury items,” because no matter what, I simply cannot afford them and I know I am not alone. That is where I say that due to those financial limitations (a reality for many) YES, diabetes and its costs will hinder me. A LOT. If people think it’s just a mental thing, it’s not. Finances I’d say, play a pretty equal if not greater amount to that hinderance, which ultimately gives me little flexibility with medical options, as well as with other things I may want to do in life. This is where I completely agree [in part] with Insulin Nation’s article: Five Things People with Type 1 Should Stop Doing AlreadyBelow is the section.

1. …saying they won’t let Type 1 diabetes stop them/slow them down

Why: First, it’s a cliche, and cliches raise my blood pressure.

Second, it’s a sneaky form of ableism. When you say someone “won’t” let diabetes stop them, you imply that everyone with Type 1 has a choice to do whatever they want in life despite the condition, and that’s always not the case. I’ve interviewed professional athletes who were “stopped” by Type 1 diabetes for a significant period of time, despite their best efforts.

My main point to drive home is the reality that not everyone has that choice to live to their best potential with their diabetes. That, I believe has nothing to do with you being optimistic and “kicking diabetes in the butt”…if one does not have their most basic needs met, then no shit you are going to feel insecure and incapable of being well. For me, my insulin + diabetic supplies are part of my fundamental 1st tier. No insulin, no life.

maslow-pyramid

In the last ten years, I have had the same version of the Medtronics Minimed insulin pump. The only time I got a new one was because my first pump still had a warranty, but it died my freshmen year of college in 2011. The pump currently connected to my side is still kicking from 2011, which is a miracle all in itself. However, once my 2011 pump decides to stop working, I will need to purchase another insulin pump with the likelihood of not getting most of it covered by my medical insurance. Big deal, just use shots–right?

To go from using one form of insulin therapy to the complete use of another would be a shock to anyone. It is like going cold turkey on not drinking or smoking. It is not easy. It can be done, but our bodies have grown accustomed to how one therapy form benefits us. T1 diabetes is a constant trial and error episode put on repeat. But then, there is the whole notion of insurance companies wanting diabetics to start using biosimilar prescriptions that have generic versions of the prescriptions I need. Kara, from Bootcamp for Betics, goes on in more detail about insurers bringing further limitations to us without understanding the repercussions that plays on our day-to-day life.

In the last few years, I have seen the T1 community grow in social media; people are sharing more of stories and reaching out for help. I have seen how new organizations have started to provide support and answers to some of the many pressing questions we face. I have seen that I am not the only one who cannot get her A1c down, but like everything else we post onto our social media accounts, I keep seeing our picture-perfect captured moments. I know that there is always a black and white side to things…but in all seriousness, I keep going back to that phrase: “Type one won’t get me down.” Maybe emotionally, it may not from time to time. As long as we have our most basic needs met, yes, we will endure. However, I cannot tolerate the idea that all it takes is just a good attitude to survive. No, I only wish it was that simple but that is not always the case.