this is what I want with you, siempre

Solo tengo una sonrisa, y espero una devuelta…

Tú eres el sol en mi cara
Cuando me levanta
Yo soy la vida que ya tengo
Tu eres la vida que me falta

Whenever we are driving around in a week, I hope you drive us through some solemn deserted areas, such as whenever we head towards Turner Falls. That way, I will take your phone and only smile at you as I find this song to play loudly, alone as the windows are down and the wind rushes to meet our faces.

I imagine you laughing and smiling, as you recognize what song I picked for I know you will  know exactly what this song means.

I want to travel y “darle la vuelta al mundo” contigo, amor.

 

Gratitude

Life is what you make of it. Life is what you actively choose to involve yourself with  in every single aspect: your job, your relationships, the food you ingest, your physical activity routine, how many hours you sleep, your attitude and vision towards the world and of all those living in it…all these things and much more make up our life choices and how we become the creators of our happiness and leaders of our destiny. But sometimes, life also does surprise us with the humblest and most beautiful gifts we thought we would never deserve.
Not too long ago, I felt I had lost my way…TRULY lost my way and knew that if I didn’t change something, I would plummet into a dark abyss, making it even more difficult to reach back out towards the light. I have always felt myself to be weak in self-confidence but the last bits of my self-resiliency were begging me to try, try, try again; begged me to not shut myself out from the world. So I listened, and it was hard as hell at first.
These last 3 months have been an immense open door to change, to growth, to learning how to love in all ways, to be even more vulnerable, to stand my ground and advocate for my mental health, my worth (both personally and professionally), and ultimately, to not be afraid to dream like I use to. But I was never alone, like I thought and felt–the whole time, I was supported and loved by so many.
There is so much I could share because the written word has always been easier for me. I have never {EVER} felt all that swells up in my heart right now. I constantly smile at life no matter the negativity that may try to leak in. I used to sleep 3 hours and still wake up beaming. There is so much happening, it feels, while at the same time, it feels like time has frozen for a bit, making me realize the beauty that exists within this world–within nature, within me, within the individuals that will forever fight against hatred that has continuously been shown towards all those who are “different.”
Despite the darkness in the world, I am grateful for what it has taught me. I know that I never want to be where I once was, thinking that disappearing would be easier than to confront my own insecurities. This is just a message of gratitude to ALL who have been there for me, ALL who told me I could when I thought I couldn’t, to all who have loved me at my worst: you know who you are.
You are the ones who listened to me when I vented, you are the ones who sent me funny memes to cheer me up, you are the ones who told me to follow my heart and give absolutely no fucks about anyone else but myself, you are the ones who blessed me with your presence and words of encouragement; those of you who know that coffee, handwritten letters, rainy days, snuggles, and my hot yoga classes are my remedy to anything.
I believe, wholeheartedly, that I am unto something beautiful: years ago one of my greatest wishes was to be able to love the world. I know, this is not an easy thing to do especially with all that has been occurring in our current political environment (nationally and globally), but I right now, I believe that I have that capacity…maybe I always did. To all my loves: my wonderful crew from work (you became everything I needed), my quirky yet supportive parents, my MSW friends, my loves from grade school, high school, college (all those who are still in touch and have not forgotten TRUE friendships); my mentors through every walk of life, to all you wonderful people who TRULY fight for the community, especially for my Spanish-speaking community (Alabama, you changed me forever); y a ti, amor mio; llegaste a mi vida y me diste vuelta el mundo.

tu eres el poema que nunca supe como escribir, y esta vida es la historia que siempre he querido contar

Mi amor,

No me importa esos momentos cuando te duermes y estamos en el telefono. Me imagino que haz tenido un dia largo, o simplemente una semana larga. Pero para mi, eres un hombre trabajador, tierno, y humilde, asi que como podria you criticarte por cerrar tus ojos cuando me has dicho que mi voz es capaz de traerte tanta paz? Tu haces lo mismo conmigo, mi amor. Adoro eschuchar tu voz hacerse mas suave; adoro tu esencia dulce y sonolienta–me da mucha ternura 🙂

Solo desearia poder estar ahi para abrazarte durante esos momentos tranquilos e intimos. Basando en lo que hemos dicho de nuestro deseo de querer siempre abrazarnos y tenernos cerca, puedo imaginarme tu cabeza sobre mi pecho y yo te haria piojitos (como me dijiste una vez–en Chile, yo te diria “hacerte nanai”) y yo seria feliz. O tal vez estariamos en un sofa donde descansarias tu cabeza encima de mis piernas y yo te acariciaria mientras leo un libro y tomo cafe sin fin.

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Hay tantos de estos pequenos momentos que quiero compartir contigo, este siendo un ejemplo de muchos. Me encanta que ambos estamos de acuerdo en la importancia de las pequenas cosas, haciendo cada momento contar y valorando el mas minimo detalle que tantos ignoran. Creo ques en nuestra propia esencia y alma de ver los mas simples gestos de amor y afecto como las cosas que continuaran construyendo nuestra relacion. Creo que sera estos momentos, por simplistas que sean, que crearan el cinvula duradero que nos mantendra unidos por siempre…como siempre sonamos desde ninxs.

Aveces pienso que incluso cuando te vi por primera vez, mi alma te conocia de antes (aunque eso suene raro!) Tal vez mi amla te conocia de otros mundos antes que este. Soy la mas feliz al tenerte, mi amor y sere tuya por siempre si me dejas…dia tras dia, ano tras ano, para siempre sere tuya. Eres tu quien elijo tener en mi vida porque no quiero a nadie mas.

Te quiero por siempre mi Jaime.

 

Something short

I’ll try to write something short before the primary feelings leave me.

I feel the most sincere disappointment in people who are in positions of power and are in absolute denial of their flaws.

I just met with her today, when every fiber of me was against the idea, but we had to the yearly employee evaluation. Apathy has been growing ever since she last spoke so unprofessionally towards me. I am not bitter, I simply stopped caring what she could think of me, my work performance, and my attitude. No one should feel entitled to think that by enforcing their dominance–that be through tone of voice, hierarchy in the workplace, or simply humiliating someone else repetitively on what they have not done well–will grant motivational change in others.

Fuck no, bitch.

The world does not work that way and it is a shame when there are individuals who believe that is an acceptable way to express themselves. Thinking that for some reason or another, it is OKAY, and when questioned by others, they shut down everyone else. Please: that action only demonstrates your lack of receiving any kind of feedback and you showing how extremely close-minded and intolerant you are to whatever is against what you expect others to do. No one will ever be you; No one will work like you, and I hope no one ever wants to. You have continuously burned yourself out in all aspects: physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably spiritually. You do no one any good by wanting to take on additional responsibilities that are not yours to take in order to “aparentar” amazing, humble, and dedicated to serving the community.

If you cannot treat your own staff with dignity and respect, but rather treat them like you have the authority of a mother to “acosar” everyone like we were your kids–there is something terribly wrong with how you perceive decent human interactions should take place. It is not about just being perky and diplomatic to the “big guys”–the town officials, the donors, larger organizations that may want to collaborate and/or partner with us, or even being that way with the business corporations. Again, that is not how the world works and by doing that–acting so perky and ditzy in public, and later a totalitarian bitch behind closed doors, only shows the true nature of your essence.

…And I am glad I am walking away from all of that unscathed.

 

 

i swear this to be true

And this I swear, my love is true.

I want to wake up to you every single morning for the rest of my existence. To wake you by softly kissing your jaw and making my way down to that soft spot behind your ear, whispering words of love. Or waking you abruptly by rolling on top of you, softly biting your neck, and letting all my self-control be lost.

I want to do just that–lose my absolute control with you and hold nothing back. Please: have my love, have my words, have my body. Wrap your body around my own and embrace me with all your affection and kisses, wherever you wish to place them. Help me break down all walls to let you in.

I want to live passionately and lovingly with you, so that this ember is always fed, never burnt away with time.

I want to see the whole world with you, whether that be on our backpacking adventures in a distant land or a simple stroll through a park or at a farmer’s market where we can walk our chocolate lab. We can return to our home and make a meal together from what we have bought from farm to table–and I can imagine us playing in the kitchen like fools, making a mess that we will only need to clean up later. But all the while, we will be so fucking crazy about one another that we will no longer be hungry. We will have eaten each other up with endless kisses.

I want to be yours forever–legally-binded, in spirit, in body and soul, as your life partner, wife, supporter, and forever friend. I am inspired by what Alejandra envisioned: A small and intimate ceremony under the trees or by the mountainside, where I enter barefoot with a crown of flowers on my head; somewhere in between dusk with a full moon in rising. Except, I did always want to wear TOMS shoes at my wedding. That is a detail I have held onto since I was 17 and I am not ready to let that go, I hope you don’t mind.

I want to one day hopefully a bit farther down, bear your child. NEVER, in my whole life have I felt that yearning and joy in finding the man I love and actually wanting to carry his child. I swear, not even with him–I thought that was what I wanted years ago, but it was never true. I always wanted to feel that pride and protection, by I never felt that. Though you are far and I have only seen you once and this all sounds CRAZY, you transmit all those possibilities and feelings to me. And like I told you a few weeks ago, I would proudly and lovingly carry our child, [because I love you].

Right now, yes, I do wholeheartedly love you–I just need to tell you that in person. I need to look into your eyes and brush my lips over yours as I say those words, and then kiss you as I am sitting on your lap trying to be as close to you as possible. I imagine my heart will in some way, explode with every sense of ecstasy known to me, and I truly do not know what I will do then…just love you more…and probably bite your bottom lip as I kiss you again and again.

 

little differences, not that they matter

Not that I am keeping track, but I think this sums up our differences:

  • you like spicy food, as that goes more with your culture and upbringing than it ever will with me, while I know my stomach and tongue cannot tolerate it–‘mild’ is already too much for me to handle
  • you adore your ice-cold beer, forevermore, will adore my iced lattes ❤
  • you like coconut and I get cold chills just thinking of the sound of a spoon scrapping the contents of one
  • you like Kings of Leon and can’t stand the guy’s voice

Our similarities, which some have unfolded in our dreams [both expressed and others merely suggested], our values and principles, the ways in which we see ourselves in the world–through the eyes and love of nature, our disdain for capitalism, consumerism, and fictitiousness, bonds us in ways that run much deeper than mere attraction. At least, that’s how I view it, but I believe that is how you see it too.

You have helped me to open up to such a vulnerable side of myself that I honestly did not know existed. I want nothing more than to shred every fiber of insecurity that still binds me to my previous selves. I always imagined that when I met you (the embodiment of you, the man of my dreams) and when the moment would be right, I would have the strongest sense of empowerment and confidence to literally shred off everything in front of you–fears, unfulfilled dreams, every single garment of clothing–without looking away from you for a second. To be there, bare and naked in my most vulnerable state; transparent and lovingly accepting you to do the same. This is a scene I have recreated in my head for a long time, because I believe that in its own true form, it will manifest what true love means–what true vulnerability means.

And I want nothing more than to share that with you, again and again and again for as long as I live.

 

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No es que esté siguiendo la pista, pero creo que esto resuma nuestras diferencias:

  • A ti te gusta la comida picante, ya que eso va más con tu cultura y crianza de lo que nunca sera conmigo, mientras yo sé que mi estómago y mi lengua no pueden tolerarlo
  •  adoras su cerveza helada, mientras yo por siempre, adorare mis lattes helados ❤
  • A ti te gusta el coco y a mi me dan escalofríos sólo pensando en el sonido de una cuchara desguace el contenido de uno
  • A ti te gusta Kings of Leon y yo no soporto la voz del tipo que canta

Nuestras similitudes, que se han desplegadas en nuestros sueños [expresados ​​y otros meramente sugeridos]; nuestros valores y principios; la maneras en que nos vemos en el mundo, a través de los ojos y el amor de la naturaleza; nuestro desdén por el capitalismo, el consumismo, y al ficticio, nos une en maneras que corren mucho más profundo que mera atracción. Al menos así es como lo veo, pero creo que es así como lo ves tú también.

Tú me ha ayudado a abrir un lado tan vulnerable de mí misma que honestamente no sabía que existía. No quiero nada más que destruir todas las fibras de la inseguridad que todavía me puedan atar a mis seres previas. Siempre me imaginé que cuando te conociera (la personificación de ti, el hombre de mis sueños) y cuando el momento estuviera apropiado, tendría el sentido más fuerte de empoderamiento y confianza para hacer tiras todo delante de ti–mis temores, mis sueños insatisfechos, hasta cada prenda de mi ropa–sin apartar mi mirada hacia la tuya. Me encantaría estar allí, descubierta y desnuda en mi estado más vulnerable; Transparente y amorosamente aceptando que hagas lo mismo. Esta es una escena que he recreado en mi cabeza por mucho tiempo, porque creo que en su propia forma verdadera, manifestará lo que significa el verdadero amor–lo que significa verdadera vulnerabilidad.

Y no quiero nada más que compartir eso contigo, una y otra vez y otra vez por el resto de mi vida.

blushing//ruborizada

Maybe I still don’t have the greater vocabulary to effortlessly tell you everything I wish I could. Though I wish I could just have the words flow out of my mouth, I realize that the true ‘me’ has always been awkward with words, both in English and Spanish–so, I forgive myself on that one. This is why I have always written and I have missed that.

The truth is this:

I cannot wait until I can have you right in front of me, where I can reach out and touch you: that be to touch your face, hold your hand, grab you so you are closer to me, or silence you with a kiss. The thought of those moments make me a nervous-wreck, but simultaneously excite me so very much. Yes, I have been waiting a long time to experience this again with someone that means everything you mean to me; and I know I have been patient in waiting. I always knew what I wanted to find so I was not going to mess it up for myself, by kissing strangers and having fuck boys.

No, I always know that I have had a hopelessly-romantic soul.

I am like a little school girl, constantly blushing every time you tell me in a soft, desiring voice of how you want to kiss me. And goodness, do I want that and so much more. I want to be breathless, I want you to feel me tremble by the simple notion of your lips pressed to mine; I want to look into your eyes every time there is a pause and whisper that I love you–I truly, truly unconditionally love you and forever will. I want you to never let me go–I don’t care how disgustingly hot it is in Dallas, I mean that’s what showers and the rain are for–just never let me go. Clutch me by my waist and kiss me, where words won’t be necessary to state what we think or feel. I want this spark that has so quickly engulfed us both in such a beautifully, passionate way to forever live on. So that way, we can always kindle this fire to keep our emotions, feelings, and love alive.

I want to stand on the tip of my toes and kiss you everywhere I cannot reach since I am petite. I want to have those awkward moments where we don’t know what to do with our hands because all we will want to do is just close off any distance that stands between us. Let us end up with the messiest hair–a lion’s mane and a disheveled feathered bird–after having gone so deep into our explosion of feelings that cannot be comprised by just one mere kiss, one mere embrace. I believe that selfishly, but lovingly, we will want more and more, because that is love: It is all giving, it is never ending. I believe this is what we will always want to give to one another.

 

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Tal vez todavía no tengo el mejor vocabulario para decirle sin esfuerzo todo lo que deseo que pudiera. Aunque me gustaría que las palabras fluyeran de mi boca, me doy cuenta de que la verdadero “yo” siempre ha sido incómoda con palabras, tanto en inglés como en el español, así que me perdono por eso. Es por eso que siempre he escrito y he extrañado eso.

La verdad es esta:

No puedo esperar hasta que pueda tenerte al frente de mí, donde pueda alcanzarte y tocarte: que sea tocar tu cara, tomar tu mano, abrazarte para que estés más cerca de mí, o silenciarte con un beso. El pensamiento de esos momentos me hace una naufrago nerviosa, pero al mismo tiempo me excita tanto. Sí, he estado esperando mucho tiempo para vivir esta tipo de experiencia con alguien que significa todo lo que tu significas para mí; Y sé que he sido paciente en la espera. Siempre supe lo que quería encontrar, así que no iba a arruinar esto para mí, besando a extraños y teniendo chicos de mierda.

No, siempre sé que he tenido un alma irremediablemente romántica.

Soy como una niña de colegio, constantemente sonrojada cada vez que me dices con una suave y deseosa voz de cómo quieres besarme. Y bueno, quiero eso y mucho más. Quiero estar sin aliento, quiero que me sientas temblar por la simple noción de tus labios presionados a los míos; Quiero mirarte a tus ojos cada vez que hay una pausa y susurrar que te amo – Yo realmente, verdaderamente incondicional te amo y siempre lo hare. Quiero que nunca me dejes ir–no me importa lo caliente que pueda estar en Dallas, quiero decir, para que mas son las duchas y la lluvia–sólo nunca me sueltes. Agárrame de mi cintura y bésame, donde las palabras no sean necesarias para expresar lo que pensamos o sentimos. Quiero que esta chispa que tan rápidamente nos ha envuelto de una forma tan hermosa y apasionada viva para siempre. De esta manera, siempre podemos encender este fuego para mantener vivas nuestras emociones, sentimientos y amor.

Quiero estar en la punta de los dedos de mis pies y besarte en todas partes que no puedo alcanzar como soy pequeña. Quiero tener esos momentos incómodos en los que no sepamos qué hacer con nuestras manos, porque lo único que queremos hacer es cerrar cualquier distancia que se interponga entre nosotros. Terminemos con el cabello desordenado–una melena de león desordenado y una pájarita con plumas desaliñadas– después de habernos metido tan profundamente en nuestra explosión de sentimientos que no pueden ser comprendidos por un solo beso, un solo abrazo. Creo que egoístamente, pero amorosamente, queremos más y más, porque eso es amor: es todo dando, nunca termina. Creo que esto es lo que siempre queremos dar el uno al otro.