I am an avid Passion Planner user–I am using my second academic version and in a few months will be purchasing my third planner, but this time a year-round, undated, large version. The beauty of the Passion Planner is that it has a weekly quote, a weekly focus for you to hone in on along with other details. This week’s quote is the following:
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
It could not be more perfect and fitting.
I find myself in an extremely dangerous place in my life, mentally. My self-confidence has plummeted, while I desperately try to convince myself that I am not what the demons in my head say I am–unworthy of love, better off dead than trying to find a meaning in this rather stressful life [mostly referring towards the access of affordable insulin–I am not suicidal]; the fear of knowing ALL the pertinent things in my life ARE indeed temporary, but being too afraid to do anything about it–fear of wasting time right now and not being okay down the road.
Or as my boss critiqued me a week ago, “You are too negative.”
I did not want that to be my blowing point with my boss, but it was. However, that is just where the tip hit the iceberg. There had been other greater pressures pushing upon my mind, my body, my beliefs in myself.
The truth is that last night, I grew even more nervous of what my life is going to look like 5+ years from now. Social media keeps showing me how more T1 diabetics are dying because they cannot afford their insulin, how some organizations are bringing awareness of the disease, while flashing all the fancy gadgets they or their family can afford for them, or simply [what I saw yesterday] the “T1D Black Market.” Not only am I 25 and wondering all the same things like whether I will be able to find my niche in the workplace, will I ever find someone who loves me and I them? Will I be able to buy a home and be able to do a yoga crow pose?
Well, I additionally think about insulin. Medical insurance. My pump if it malfunctions. My mental health. Always needing to have a job in order to have insurance. My access to health resources. The fact that I refuse to have a family if I cannot take care of myself first and I get upset when people say ignorant comments–“oh but when you really fall in love, you’ll change your mind and want kids. You better get a move on it too! You’re 25!” I think about these things ALL the FUCKING TIME and I am sick of it. So fucking sick of it.
According to Dr. Meg Jay, I am at the prime of my life to learn, adapt, and be who I will be for the rest of my life–and that, is already a very scary thing for me. Scientifically, this is the crux of the best growth and excruciatingly painful experience I may have in my life, and I am not trying to be dramatic. I find solstice in the fact that Dr. Jay and every other adult I talk to, is telling me that this phase, this inner ‘destructive’ feeling and confusion is all normal and part of the process of finding my niche in this world (post graduation, in my case).
I am always at a loss of words on how to capture my feelings, but the truth is that I know I have far too many feelings. I can easily cry by hearing a song or dazing out a window on a rainy day. My self-doubt thoughts consume me. My appetite has decreased continuously, but I am eating nonetheless. I am terrified of never being ‘well’ enough to attract good people in my life and being able to keep them–both in friendships and romantic relationships. Ha, but at least I do not need to worry about latter because I am emotionally unprepared to love someone right now. What alarms me the most is the mere thought that I view my death would be easier to deal with than working through the hardships. This is a bitter truth that leaves me both scared and numb.
For too many years, I have been too self-aware of myself, my surroundings, and I have constantly over-analyzed how those factors affect me. I know that right now, I desperately need help because I do not want to sink into a dark abyss–trying to reach towards the light will only be so much harder once I have hit rock bottom. I sense that I am getting close to reaching that point, but the little bit of optimism that lies within me, keeps saying, “This will pass, I promise. Just please do not give up on yourself yet.”
It is in moments like these, with my inner most deep voice speaking out to me, that I wonder of Elizabeth Gilbert: the night she prays to God; she supplicates for a sign. She is answered by her own self, telling Liz to go back to bed. Was it God? Was it Liz? Fast forward to the part where Liz says, “God resides in me as me.” Is that internal voice really God? I always wonder that…
I have rediscovered this past week that I know very little as to why I find it so hard to love myself. I have come to view myself as unworthy of receiving love from others–I have lost my way into seeing how I personally make any difference in this world. I feel both guilt and selfishness at thinking this, because I have told this to my Mom more than once and I know it hurts her, more than I will ever know.
Thus, I do not know what to even consider myself if I see I have been incapable of loving myself. I know I am loved by my parents, so I should have strength, but I barely feel inner strength within me. I need to believe that those I do call friends love me no matter the distance. I am selective of those I love because I am always over-analyzing and expecting to get hurt by someone I love. But does that make me feel courageous? To love?Not always.
From my previous post, I was in tears as I wrote that my best [guy] friend is this raw, beautiful human. His capacity to love on others and enjoy life is a courageous way to live–he does not seem to care if he gets hurt down the road.
As long as I am with those I love and am having fun, life is good.
^^^ Those are my friend’s words, by the way. It is such a simple piece of advise, but I have the tendency to overthink when there is no need. I just wish there was a way to tap into that mindset of gratitude, of simplicity because deep down, I know life is not worth worrying about all the issues that occupy my mind. I guess I am just seeking to find that courage to love myself more than ever.
I may not know why or how I have been led to view myself the way I do, but no one will save me unless I save myself.
And God–I still believe some stronger force and power is out there. And, I must believe that God only wants me to grow from this, no matter how painful and in a way, self-inflicted and self-deprecating it has become.