tu eres el poema que nunca supe como escribir, y esta vida es la historia que siempre he querido contar

Mi amor,

No me importa esos momentos cuando te duermes y estamos en el telefono. Me imagino que haz tenido un dia largo, o simplemente una semana larga. Pero para mi, eres un hombre trabajador, tierno, y humilde, asi que como podria you criticarte por cerrar tus ojos cuando me has dicho que mi voz es capaz de traerte tanta paz? Tu haces lo mismo conmigo, mi amor. Adoro eschuchar tu voz hacerse mas suave; adoro tu esencia dulce y sonolienta–me da mucha ternura ūüôā

Solo desearia poder estar ahi para abrazarte durante esos momentos tranquilos e intimos. Basando en lo que hemos dicho de nuestro deseo de querer siempre abrazarnos y tenernos cerca, puedo imaginarme tu cabeza sobre mi pecho y yo te haria piojitos (como me dijiste una vez–en Chile, yo te diria “hacerte nanai”) y yo seria feliz. O tal vez estariamos en un sofa donde descansarias tu cabeza encima de mis piernas y yo te acariciaria mientras leo un libro y tomo cafe sin fin.

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Hay tantos de estos pequenos momentos que quiero compartir contigo, este siendo un ejemplo de muchos. Me encanta que ambos estamos de acuerdo en la importancia de las pequenas cosas, haciendo cada momento contar y valorando el mas minimo detalle que tantos ignoran. Creo ques en nuestra propia esencia y alma de ver los mas simples gestos de amor y afecto como las cosas que continuaran construyendo nuestra relacion. Creo que sera estos momentos, por simplistas que sean, que crearan el cinvula duradero que nos mantendra unidos por siempre…como siempre sonamos desde ninxs.

Aveces pienso que incluso cuando te vi por primera vez, mi alma te conocia de antes (aunque eso suene raro!) Tal vez mi amla te conocia de otros mundos antes que este. Soy la mas feliz al tenerte, mi amor y sere tuya por siempre si me dejas…dia tras dia, ano tras ano, para siempre sere tuya. Eres tu quien elijo tener en mi vida porque no quiero a nadie mas.

Te quiero por siempre mi Jaime.

‚̧

 

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i swear this to be true

And this I swear, my love is true.

I want to wake up to you every single morning for the rest of my existence. To wake you by softly kissing your jaw and making my way down to that soft spot behind your ear, whispering words of love. Or waking you abruptly by rolling on top of you, softly biting your neck, and letting all my self-control be lost.

I want to do just that–lose my absolute control with you and hold nothing back. Please: have my love, have my words, have my body. Wrap your body around my own and embrace me with all your affection and kisses, wherever you wish to place them. Help me break down all walls to let you in.

I want to live passionately and lovingly with you, so that this ember is always fed, never burnt away with time.

I want to see the whole world with you, whether that be on our backpacking adventures in a distant land or a simple stroll through a park or at a farmer’s market where we can walk our chocolate lab. We can return to our home and make a meal together from what we have bought from farm to table–and I can imagine us playing in the kitchen like fools, making a mess that we will only need to clean up later. But all the while, we will be so fucking crazy about one another that we will no longer be hungry. We will have eaten each other up with endless kisses.

I want to be yours forever–legally-binded, in spirit, in body and soul, as your life partner, wife, supporter, and forever friend. I am inspired by what Alejandra envisioned: A small and intimate ceremony under the trees or by the mountainside, where I enter barefoot with a crown of flowers on my head; somewhere in between dusk with a full moon in rising. Except, I did always want to wear TOMS shoes at my wedding. That is a detail I have held onto since I was 17 and I am not ready to let that go, I hope you don’t mind.

I want to one day hopefully a bit farther down, bear your child. NEVER, in my whole life have I felt that yearning and joy in finding the man I love and actually wanting to carry his child. I swear, not even with him–I thought that was what I wanted years ago, but it was never true. I always wanted to feel that pride and protection, by I never felt that. Though you are far and I have only seen you once and this all sounds CRAZY, you transmit all those possibilities and feelings to me. And like I told you a few weeks ago, I would proudly and lovingly carry our child, [because I love you].

Right now, yes, I do wholeheartedly love you–I just need to tell you that in person. I need to look into your eyes and brush my lips over yours as I say those words, and then kiss you as I am sitting on your lap trying to be as close to you as possible. I imagine my heart will in some way, explode with every sense of ecstasy known to me, and I truly do not know what I will do then…just love you more…and probably bite your bottom lip as I kiss you again and again.

 

little differences, not that they matter

Not that I am keeping track, but I think this sums up our differences:

  • you like spicy food, as that goes more with your culture and upbringing than it ever will with me, while I know my stomach and tongue cannot tolerate it–‘mild’ is already too much for me to handle
  • you¬†adore your ice-cold beer,¬†I¬†forevermore, will adore my iced lattes ‚̧
  • you¬†like coconut and¬†I get cold chills just thinking of the sound of a spoon scrapping the contents of one
  • you like Kings of Leon and¬†I¬†can’t stand the guy’s voice

Our similarities, which some have unfolded in our dreams [both expressed and others merely suggested], our values and principles, the ways in which we see ourselves in the world–through the eyes and love of nature, our disdain for capitalism, consumerism, and fictitiousness, bonds us in ways that run much deeper than mere attraction. At least, that’s how I view it, but I believe that is how you see it too.

You have helped me to open up to such a vulnerable side of myself that I honestly did not know existed. I want nothing more than to shred every fiber of insecurity that still binds me to my previous selves. I always imagined that when I met you (the embodiment of you, the man of my dreams) and when the moment would be right, I would have the strongest sense of empowerment and confidence to literally shred off everything in front of you–fears, unfulfilled dreams, every single garment of clothing–without looking away from you for a second. To be there, bare and naked in my most vulnerable state; transparent and lovingly accepting you to do the same. This is a scene I have recreated in my head for a long time, because I believe that in its own true form, it will manifest what true love means–what true vulnerability means.

And I want nothing more than to share that with you, again and again and again for as long as I live.

 

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No es que esté siguiendo la pista, pero creo que esto resuma nuestras diferencias:

  • A ti¬†te gusta la comida picante, ya que eso va m√°s con tu cultura y crianza de lo que nunca sera conmigo, mientras yo¬†s√© que mi est√≥mago y mi lengua no pueden tolerarlo
  • T√ļ ¬†adoras su cerveza helada, mientras yo por siempre, adorare mis lattes helados ‚̧
  • A ti te gusta el coco y a mi me dan escalofr√≠os s√≥lo pensando en el sonido de una cuchara desguace el contenido de uno
  • A ti te gusta Kings of Leon y yo no soporto la voz del tipo que canta

Nuestras similitudes, que se han desplegadas en nuestros sue√Īos [expresados ‚Äč‚Äčy otros meramente sugeridos]; nuestros valores y principios; la maneras en que nos vemos en el mundo, a trav√©s de los ojos y el amor de la naturaleza; nuestro desd√©n por el capitalismo, el consumismo, y al ficticio, nos une en maneras que corren mucho m√°s profundo que mera atracci√≥n. Al menos as√≠ es como lo veo, pero creo que es as√≠ como lo ves t√ļ tambi√©n.

T√ļ me ha ayudado a abrir un lado tan vulnerable de m√≠ misma que honestamente no sab√≠a que exist√≠a. No quiero nada m√°s que destruir todas las fibras de la inseguridad que todav√≠a me puedan atar a mis seres previas. Siempre me imagin√© que cuando te conociera (la personificaci√≥n de ti, el hombre de mis sue√Īos) y cuando el momento estuviera apropiado, tendr√≠a el sentido m√°s fuerte de empoderamiento y confianza para hacer tiras todo delante de ti–mis temores, mis sue√Īos insatisfechos, hasta cada prenda de mi ropa–sin apartar mi mirada hacia la tuya. Me encantar√≠a estar all√≠, descubierta y desnuda en mi estado m√°s vulnerable; Transparente y amorosamente aceptando que hagas lo mismo. Esta es una escena que he recreado en mi cabeza por mucho tiempo, porque creo que en su propia forma verdadera, manifestar√° lo que significa el verdadero amor–lo que significa verdadera vulnerabilidad.

Y no quiero nada m√°s que compartir eso contigo, una y otra vez y otra vez por el resto de mi vida.

blushing//ruborizada

Maybe I still don’t have the greater vocabulary to effortlessly tell you everything I wish I could. Though I wish I could just have the words flow out of my mouth, I realize that the true ‘me’ has always been awkward with words, both in English and Spanish–so, I forgive myself on that one. This is why I have always written and I have missed that.

The truth is this:

I cannot wait until I can have you right in front of me, where I can reach out and touch you: that be to touch your face, hold your hand, grab you so you are closer to me, or silence you with a kiss. The thought of those moments make me a nervous-wreck, but simultaneously excite me so very much. Yes, I have been waiting a long time to experience this again with someone that means everything you mean to me; and I know I have been patient in waiting. I always knew what I wanted to find so I was not going to mess it up for myself, by kissing strangers and having fuck boys.

No, I always know that I have had a hopelessly-romantic soul.

I am like a little school girl, constantly blushing every time you tell me in a soft, desiring voice of how you want to kiss me. And goodness, do I want that and so much more. I want to be breathless, I want you to feel me tremble by the simple notion of your lips pressed to mine; I want to look into your eyes every time there is a pause and whisper that I love you–I truly, truly unconditionally love you and forever will. I want you to never let me go–I don’t care how disgustingly hot it is in Dallas, I mean that’s what showers and the rain are for–just never let me go. Clutch me by my waist and kiss me, where words won’t be necessary to state what we think or feel. I want this spark that has so quickly engulfed us both in such a beautifully, passionate way to forever live on. So that way, we can always kindle this fire to keep our emotions, feelings, and love alive.

I want to stand on the tip of my toes and kiss you everywhere I cannot reach since I am petite. I want to have those awkward moments where we don’t know what to do with our hands because all we will want to do is just close off any distance that stands between us. Let us end up with the messiest hair–a lion’s mane and a disheveled feathered bird–after having gone so deep into our explosion of feelings that cannot be comprised by just one mere kiss, one mere embrace. I believe that selfishly, but lovingly, we will want more and more, because that is love: It is all giving, it is never ending. I believe this is what we will always want to give to one another.

 

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Tal vez todav√≠a no tengo el mejor vocabulario para decirle sin esfuerzo todo lo que deseo que pudiera. Aunque me gustar√≠a que las palabras fluyeran de mi boca, me doy cuenta de que la verdadero “yo” siempre ha sido inc√≥moda con palabras, tanto en ingl√©s como en el espa√Īol, as√≠ que me perdono por eso. Es por eso que siempre he escrito y he extra√Īado eso.

La verdad es esta:

No puedo esperar hasta que pueda tenerte al frente de m√≠, donde pueda alcanzarte y tocarte: que sea tocar tu cara, tomar tu mano, abrazarte para que est√©s m√°s cerca de m√≠, o silenciarte con un beso. El pensamiento de esos momentos me hace una naufrago nerviosa, pero al mismo tiempo me excita tanto. S√≠, he estado esperando mucho tiempo para vivir esta tipo de experiencia con alguien que significa todo lo que tu significas para m√≠; Y s√© que he sido paciente en la espera. Siempre supe lo que quer√≠a encontrar, as√≠ que no iba a arruinar esto para m√≠, besando a extra√Īos y teniendo chicos de mierda.

No, siempre sé que he tenido un alma irremediablemente romántica.

Soy como una ni√Īa de colegio, constantemente sonrojada cada vez que me dices con una suave y deseosa voz de c√≥mo quieres besarme. Y bueno, quiero eso y mucho m√°s. Quiero estar sin aliento, quiero que me sientas temblar por la simple noci√≥n de tus labios presionados a los m√≠os; Quiero mirarte a tus ojos cada vez que hay una pausa y susurrar que te amo – Yo realmente, verdaderamente incondicional te amo y siempre lo hare. Quiero que nunca me dejes ir–no me importa lo caliente que pueda estar en Dallas, quiero decir, para que mas son las duchas y la lluvia–s√≥lo nunca me sueltes. Ag√°rrame de mi cintura y b√©same, donde las palabras no sean necesarias para expresar lo que pensamos o sentimos. Quiero que esta chispa que tan r√°pidamente nos ha envuelto de una forma tan hermosa y apasionada viva para siempre. De esta manera, siempre podemos encender este fuego para mantener vivas nuestras emociones, sentimientos y amor.

Quiero estar en la punta de los dedos de mis pies y besarte en todas partes que no puedo alcanzar como soy peque√Īa. Quiero tener esos momentos inc√≥modos en los que no sepamos qu√© hacer con nuestras manos, porque lo √ļnico que queremos hacer es cerrar cualquier distancia que se interponga entre nosotros. Terminemos con el cabello desordenado–una melena de le√≥n desordenado y una p√°jarita con plumas desali√Īadas– despu√©s de habernos metido tan profundamente en nuestra explosi√≥n de sentimientos que no pueden ser comprendidos por un solo beso, un solo abrazo. Creo que ego√≠stamente, pero amorosamente, queremos m√°s y m√°s, porque eso es amor: es todo dando, nunca termina. Creo que esto es lo que siempre queremos dar el uno al otro.

esto es lo que pasa por mi cabeza

Creo que muchas veces no s√© como responder [ o creo que s√©, pero esta todo en mi mente] y me da un poco de nervio al decirlo todo. Jaime, me gustas por la forma en que vez la vida. Me gusta, y me vuelve loca en realidad, el que vez tanto peque√Īo detalle similar a lo que veo yo: en la naturaleza, en la simplicidad de la vida; en que estas consciente de todas las cosas que quieres trabajar y mejorar en ti mismo. Me encanta que eres alguien tan consciente de todo eso porque hay muchas personas que les fascina ¬†hablar, que les encanta decir que son una o otra cosa cuando¬†no lo son. Pero tambi√©n yo digo, una persona que es as√≠ de consciente de la profundidad a lo que creen y ven en la vida, y lo que ven que es importante en la vida, no puede estar mintiendo.

Y eso es lo que me atrae, lo que me vuelve loca, aunque no digo nada, me rio por lo mismo porque pienso, “¬Ņcomo puede ser que exista alguien tan cercano en pensamiento con las cosas y valores que yo tambi√©n siento?” En el pasado he visto y sentido cosas pero, bueno, siempre he pensado que soy yo nomas–pero despu√©s aqu√≠ llegas tu, y estas pr√°cticamente sacando mucho ¬†de mis valores personales hacia afuera de mi. Es como que si tu mismo estuvieras leyendo mi mente, y ahi estoy como WOW. Yo no pens√© que otra persona podr√≠a pensar de esa forma o ver algo como lo veo yo. No eres como el resto que dice, “ah, si yo entiendo o puedo empatizar.” No, siento como que realmente lo crees, que es algo que llevas dentro de ti. Entonces me quedo callada en esos momentos porque no lo puedo creer. Me asombra de una forma tan buena que me dejas sin palabras. Me quedo sin palabras, pero a la vez siento todo.

Siento una energ√≠a tan caliente por todo mi cuerpo; es una sensaci√≥n tan inexplicable. Es algo que me llena. Se que no soy tan expresiva en palabras, porque tambi√©n no te conozco [aunque siento que te he llegado a conocer ¬†gran parte de ti en tan poco tiempo]. Igual, parte de mi es como que resiste un poquitito porque digo, “okay apenas a pasado un mes y siento que ya lo he conocido por mucho mas tiempo.” Entonces ahi es donde trato de ser un poquito realista conmigo misma, y decir, ” okay c√°lmate, queda todo el tiempo del mundo!” Pero yo en persona siento que soy mas expresiva–yo soy mas de piel y afectuosa; as√≠ es como mejor me expreso aveces si me siento en confianza. Con esto de las palabras creo que se me van a empezar a salir con tiempo. Tu al llegar a mi vida en este momento preciso, no te tu puedes imaginar o saber el cambio que tu presencia me ha causado. Yo nunca pens√© que podr√≠a sentirme o pensar ¬†todo lo que he pensado ahora. Enserio, yo jure que esa parte de mi no exist√≠a. Que ya no val√≠a la pena en buscar nada, porque para que?

Y aqu√≠ llegas tu y me das vuelta el mundo… Me das vuelta el mundo.

Me demuestras a tu forma que existen gente aun en este mundo que ven la vida de una  manera tan linda y tan simple. Eso es lo que a mi me importa. Eso es lindo, y es lo que me hace sentir tantas cosas que ni siquiera se explicar.

Esto es gran parte lo que me pasa por la cabeza cada vez que me dices todas las cosas lindas que me dices. Tu, para mi, eres incre√≠ble. Jaime, eres mucho de lo que so√Ī√© y realmente que aveces no tengo palabras…pero eso si se. Lo siento en cada punto en mi alma y cr√©eme que eso no ha pasado en much√≠simo tiempo.

A letter to him:

I don’t know who you are and if I do, I’ll patiently wait until fate shows me there’s a moment to truly open that door. Until then, I won’t be closed up and afraid, like I use to be. I do want to be careful of anyone who may be close to who you’re meant to be, but I won’t make the mistake of closing myself up like a clam, to escape pain or the inevitability of it. I may know you personally, or I may be getting to know you, or it is possible I still haven’t met you. I don’t know.

I just hope that when that moment does come, which I am slowly starting to accept as a possibility, I’ll be as ready as I’ll ever be. To love you, grow with you, have you challenge me and have the best kind of faith that together we can do so much more. I hope that we never stop learning from one another and take each new day with the simplest joy of what it is: just a brand new day with you–to love, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy. As resistant as I’ve allowed myself to become, I don’t to become an old, brittled soul whose capacity to love and dream of someone like you dries up with the years.

I believe that you’ll see my true beauty, both internally and externally, and know how to work with me past my struggles and insecurities. I hope you will have seen me first, my soul as well, before you thought of me as physically attractive. I pray you are patient with me when I can’t find the nerve to tell you all the vulnerable truths I wish to share with you–for a while, I won’t tell you how beautiful of a soul you are, because I’ll be too afraid I’ll lose myself in telling you what I really think about you; too afraid I’ll share too much and idealize you for an idea you nor anyone will ever be. However, your words, your essence will continue to bring a deep smile to my face, bring a warmth to my heart, and I’ll hold that part of you for as long as I can, until I find that my heart can truly be trusted to yours. Then, and only then, will I believe I can give myself to you.

I believe that you’ll be that water my soul needs to continue growing and I hope that I can be that same calming summer storm for you afterwards. I don’t know if you’re out there, but for the first time in years, I want to believe that you are. I want to find you and fall in love with you slowly and then all at once. I want us to be absolutely crazy about each other in the purest and most scandalous ways. I want us to enjoy ever single, little joy life brings and that no matter how many years pass by, we’ll find a way to see one another like we did the first time we met–gentle hearted and full of hope with all that the future held.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted this idea of you as much as I want it now, but I’ll wait for you just as I hope you wait for me if you indeed find me first.

Loving someone gives you courage: so what are you with self-love?

I am an avid Passion Planner user–I am using my second academic version and in a few months will be purchasing my third planner, but this time a year-round, undated, large version. The beauty of the Passion Planner is that it has a weekly quote, a weekly focus for you to hone in on along with other details. This week’s quote is the following:

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

-Lao Tzu

It could not be more perfect and fitting.

I find myself in an extremely dangerous place in my life, mentally. My self-confidence has plummeted, while I desperately try to convince myself that I am not what the demons in my head say I am–unworthy of love, better off dead than trying to find a meaning in this rather stressful life [mostly referring towards the access of affordable insulin–I am not suicidal]; the fear of knowing ALL the pertinent things in my life ARE indeed temporary, but being too afraid to do anything about it–fear of wasting time right now and not being okay down the road.

Or as my boss critiqued me a week ago, “You are too negative.”

I did not want that to be my blowing point with my boss, but it was. However, that is just where the tip hit the iceberg. There had been other greater pressures pushing upon my mind, my body, my beliefs in myself.

The truth is that last night, I grew even more nervous of what my life is going to look like 5+ years from now. Social media keeps showing me how more T1 diabetics are dying because they cannot afford their insulin, how some organizations are bringing awareness of the disease, while flashing all the fancy gadgets they or their family can afford for them, or simply [what I saw yesterday] the “T1D Black Market.” Not only am I 25 and wondering all the same things like whether I will be able to find my niche in the workplace, will I ever find someone who loves me and I them? Will I be able to buy a home and be able to do a yoga crow pose?

Well, I additionally think about insulin. Medical insurance. My pump if it malfunctions. My mental health. Always needing to have a job in order to have insurance. My access to health resources. The fact that I refuse to have a family if I cannot take care of myself first and I get upset when people say¬†ignorant comments–“oh but when you really fall in love, you’ll change your mind and want kids. You better get a move on it too! You’re 25!” I think about these things ALL the FUCKING TIME and I am sick of it. So fucking sick of it.

According to Dr. Meg Jay, I am at the prime of my life to learn, adapt, and be who I will be for the rest of my life–and that, is already a¬†very scary thing for me. ¬†Scientifically, this is the crux of the best growth and excruciatingly painful experience I may have in my life, and I am not trying to be dramatic. I find solstice in the fact that Dr. Jay and every other adult I talk to, is telling me that this phase, this inner ‘destructive’ feeling and confusion is¬†all normal and part of the process of finding my niche in this world (post graduation, in my case).

I am always at a loss of words on how to capture my feelings, but the truth is that I know I have far too many feelings. I can easily cry by hearing a song or dazing out a window on a rainy day. My self-doubt thoughts consume me. My appetite has decreased continuously, but I am eating nonetheless. I am terrified of never being ‘well’ enough to attract good people in my life and being able to keep them–both in friendships and romantic relationships. Ha, but at least I do not need to worry about latter because I am emotionally unprepared to love someone right now. What alarms me the most is the mere thought that I view my death would be easier to deal with than working through the hardships. This is a bitter truth that leaves me both scared and numb.

For too many years, I have been too self-aware of myself, my surroundings, and I have constantly over-analyzed how those factors affect me. I know that right now, I desperately need help because I do not want to sink into a dark abyss–trying to reach towards the light will only be so much harder once I have hit rock bottom. I sense that I am getting close to reaching that point, but the little bit of optimism that lies within me, keeps saying, “This will pass, I promise. Just please do not give up on yourself yet.”

It is in moments like these, with my inner most deep voice speaking out to me, that I wonder of Elizabeth Gilbert: the night she prays to God; she supplicates for a sign. She is answered by her own self, telling Liz¬†to go back to bed. Was it God? Was it Liz? Fast forward to the part where Liz says, “God resides in me as me.” Is that internal voice really God? I always wonder that…

I have rediscovered this past week that I know very little as to why I find it so hard to love myself. ¬†I have come to view myself as unworthy of receiving love from others–I have lost my way into seeing how I personally make any difference in this world. I feel both guilt and selfishness at thinking this, because I have told this to my Mom more than once and I know it hurts her, more than I will ever know.

Thus, I do not know what to even consider myself if I see I have been incapable of loving myself. I know I am loved by my parents, so I should have strength, but I barely feel inner strength within me. I need to believe that those I do call friends love me no matter the distance. I am selective of those I love because I am always over-analyzing and expecting to get hurt by someone I love. But does that make me feel courageous? To love?Not always.

From my previous post, I was in tears as I wrote that my best [guy] friend is this raw, beautiful human. His capacity to love on others and enjoy life is a courageous way to live–he does not seem to care if he gets hurt down the road.

As long as I am with those I love and am having fun, life is good.

^^^ Those are my friend’s words, by the way. It is such a simple piece of advise, but I have the tendency to overthink when there is no need. I just wish there was a way to tap into that mindset of gratitude, of simplicity because deep down, I know life is not worth worrying about all the issues¬†that occupy my mind. I guess I am just seeking to find that courage to love myself more than ever.

I may not know why or how I have been led to view myself the way I do, but no one will save me unless I save myself.

And God–I still believe some stronger force and power is out there. And, I must believe that God only wants me to grow from this, no matter how painful and in a way, self-inflicted and self-deprecating it has become.