esto es lo que pasa por mi cabeza

Creo que muchas veces no sé como responder [ o creo que sé, pero esta todo en mi mente] y me da un poco de nervio al decirlo todo. Jaime, me gustas por la forma en que vez la vida. Me gusta, y me vuelve loca en realidad, el que vez tanto pequeño detalle similar a lo que veo yo: en la naturaleza, en la simplicidad de la vida; en que estas consciente de todas las cosas que quieres trabajar y mejorar en ti mismo. Me encanta que eres alguien tan consciente de todo eso porque hay muchas personas que les fascina  hablar, que les encanta decir que son una o otra cosa cuando no lo son. Pero también yo digo, una persona que es así de consciente de la profundidad a lo que creen y ven en la vida, y lo que ven que es importante en la vida, no puede estar mintiendo.

Y eso es lo que me atrae, lo que me vuelve loca, aunque no digo nada, me rio por lo mismo porque pienso, “¿como puede ser que exista alguien tan cercano en pensamiento con las cosas y valores que yo también siento?” En el pasado he visto y sentido cosas pero, bueno, siempre he pensado que soy yo nomas–pero después aquí llegas tu, y estas prácticamente sacando mucho  de mis valores personales hacia afuera de mi. Es como que si tu mismo estuvieras leyendo mi mente, y ahi estoy como WOW. Yo no pensé que otra persona podría pensar de esa forma o ver algo como lo veo yo. No eres como el resto que dice, “ah, si yo entiendo o puedo empatizar.” No, siento como que realmente lo crees, que es algo que llevas dentro de ti. Entonces me quedo callada en esos momentos porque no lo puedo creer. Me asombra de una forma tan buena que me dejas sin palabras. Me quedo sin palabras, pero a la vez siento todo.

Siento una energía tan caliente por todo mi cuerpo; es una sensación tan inexplicable. Es algo que me llena. Se que no soy tan expresiva en palabras, porque también no te conozco [aunque siento que te he llegado a conocer  gran parte de ti en tan poco tiempo]. Igual, parte de mi es como que resiste un poquitito porque digo, “okay apenas a pasado un mes y siento que ya lo he conocido por mucho mas tiempo.” Entonces ahi es donde trato de ser un poquito realista conmigo misma, y decir, ” okay cálmate, queda todo el tiempo del mundo!” Pero yo en persona siento que soy mas expresiva–yo soy mas de piel y afectuosa; así es como mejor me expreso aveces si me siento en confianza. Con esto de las palabras creo que se me van a empezar a salir con tiempo. Tu al llegar a mi vida en este momento preciso, no te tu puedes imaginar o saber el cambio que tu presencia me ha causado. Yo nunca pensé que podría sentirme o pensar  todo lo que he pensado ahora. Enserio, yo jure que esa parte de mi no existía. Que ya no valía la pena en buscar nada, porque para que?

Y aquí llegas tu y me das vuelta el mundo… Me das vuelta el mundo.

Me demuestras a tu forma que existen gente aun en este mundo que ven la vida de una  manera tan linda y tan simple. Eso es lo que a mi me importa. Eso es lindo, y es lo que me hace sentir tantas cosas que ni siquiera se explicar.

Esto es gran parte lo que me pasa por la cabeza cada vez que me dices todas las cosas lindas que me dices. Tu, para mi, eres increíble. Jaime, eres mucho de lo que soñé y realmente que aveces no tengo palabras…pero eso si se. Lo siento en cada punto en mi alma y créeme que eso no ha pasado en muchísimo tiempo.

A letter to him:

I don’t know who you are and if I do, I’ll patiently wait until fate shows me there’s a moment to truly open that door. Until then, I won’t be closed up and afraid, like I use to be. I do want to be careful of anyone who may be close to who you’re meant to be, but I won’t make the mistake of closing myself up like a clam, to escape pain or the inevitability of it. I may know you personally, or I may be getting to know you, or it is possible I still haven’t met you. I don’t know.

I just hope that when that moment does come, which I am slowly starting to accept as a possibility, I’ll be as ready as I’ll ever be. To love you, grow with you, have you challenge me and have the best kind of faith that together we can do so much more. I hope that we never stop learning from one another and take each new day with the simplest joy of what it is: just a brand new day with you–to love, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy. As resistant as I’ve allowed myself to become, I don’t to become an old, brittled soul whose capacity to love and dream of someone like you dries up with the years.

I believe that you’ll see my true beauty, both internally and externally, and know how to work with me past my struggles and insecurities. I hope you will have seen me first, my soul as well, before you thought of me as physically attractive. I pray you are patient with me when I can’t find the nerve to tell you all the vulnerable truths I wish to share with you–for a while, I won’t tell you how beautiful of a soul you are, because I’ll be too afraid I’ll lose myself in telling you what I really think about you; too afraid I’ll share too much and idealize you for an idea you nor anyone will ever be. However, your words, your essence will continue to bring a deep smile to my face, bring a warmth to my heart, and I’ll hold that part of you for as long as I can, until I find that my heart can truly be trusted to yours. Then, and only then, will I believe I can give myself to you.

I believe that you’ll be that water my soul needs to continue growing and I hope that I can be that same calming summer storm for you afterwards. I don’t know if you’re out there, but for the first time in years, I want to believe that you are. I want to find you and fall in love with you slowly and then all at once. I want us to be absolutely crazy about each other in the purest and most scandalous ways. I want us to enjoy ever single, little joy life brings and that no matter how many years pass by, we’ll find a way to see one another like we did the first time we met–gentle hearted and full of hope with all that the future held.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted this idea of you as much as I want it now, but I’ll wait for you just as I hope you wait for me if you indeed find me first.

this is ALL i feel, which i cannot say just yet outloud

 

Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis
You found my heart
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis

[Verse 1: Foxes]
I am stuck in quicksand
And I am trying not to drown
Fell in deeper this time and I’m struggling to get out
And doubt creeps into my soul
And now, I’ve found there’s nothing left to hold

[Chorus: Foxes]
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis

[Verse 2: Foxes]
I thought I’d died
I had no fight, I had given up
Thought I was done, I was savaged by the sun
I thought I’d died
I had no fight, I had turned to dust
When I came to in your arms I knew I would make it through

[Chorus: Foxes]
Tonight, I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis
You found my heart
Tonight I feel like I’m lost in the desert
But you’re my oasis, yeah, you’re my oasis
(You found my heart)

i don’t even know how to explain

I had an idea of what I was going to write, but then got distracted with youtube videos. There are some stuff going on in my head–nothing bad–but I am still a little surprised, mostly because it was all unexpected.

After this past weekend in Alabama, Jaime and I have not stopped talking. And it is great because I’m feeling: “Wow, a guy unlike anyone I have ever met is talking to me genuinely. It is a mutual conversation coming from the both of us. I seriously have no doubt about that.”

And I was smiling before all of this. He just seemed to have paid more attention, which says something to me, at least. He keeps saying how we will talk more of ourselves and of our traumas when we see each other again, or how I will need to come see him in Dallas, and I suggested we can meet somewhere in the middle in a city we have never gone too. Have a little adventure. It is a good second option, I think.

This kind of vulnerability would have scared me months ago, but it just happened, and I choose to embrace it rather than question it. Because he cannot hurt me. He is far from me and though it sucks, I really do not know when I will see him again. He tells me how he hopes it is sooner than August–the supposed month we will all (Texas, North Carolina, and Louisiana groups) meet up in New Orleans because I would not see him at the National Assembly in late August because he cannot fly with his two arrest charges–another in-person story to be shared.

My solace in all this is that I truly did not seek this. It kind of just happened. Though it is slightly scary because of my own previous traumas and insecurities, I have nothing to lose. I could make a really great friend of him, I mean his whole group with Ale and I got along great! I just did not expect him to seem so interested and receptive of me.

I cannot stop smiling and I am telling myself it was the energy of everyone in Alabama. Talking to Jaime this week just made me happier and everyone around me saw that, without knowing the reason. It leaves me wondering why that is and why we cannot have the power within ourselves to portray that on our own, not by the cause of someone else. But it is easier to light up when someone else sees your light. I guess it has just been a while…

He has even offered to help me purchase a plane ticket to Dallas. He has invited me to go with him to Mexico so he can show me what tourists are never able to see. He has told me he wants to introduce me to his nieces whenever I visit. He has told me that the next time we are together, we will dance all night long like idiots. He has again told me that he hopes to see me sooner than August although deep down I know that may not be even possible then, but who knows. He has told me that he will have my morning coffee ready so I can always start my day off happy. He has joked that I will have to come see him every time I want to listen to the [Viva la Vida] Coldplay vinyl he will give me since he has a vinyl player, and lastly (or what I lastly remember until now) is that we will talk about our stories, our struggles, our traumas whenever we see each other again.

…I mean, is this just who he is or is this generally how a Latino/Hispanic guy is? I am thinking that this is just him, but even though I am new to this kind of direct, very straight-forward attention, I do like it. I prefer when people can just get to the point rather than dancing around what they are trying to say.

Again, I have no idea why he has told me all the above, but part of does need to accept that some people [or most] may just like me for who I am, even if I am still not 100% okay with myself. I do not want to overthink anything regarding this whole situation because it does me no good. If I do, I would not be enjoying the mere simplicity of it all.

I have not judged this or myself as of yet and I do not want to. In an odd, unexpected way, talking to him has made me see little parts of me reawaken, when deep down, I thought they might be dormant forever.

I mean, two nights ago he just said:

“Tell me more about yourself, please.”

“Okay…anything you want to know?”

“Tell me your dreams.”

It is a question, a statement seeking depth, and I love that. Tampoco me quiero pasar rollos, but I like this. I like him a lot and there is nothing to really fear.

The reality is that we are far away so there cannot be pain brought by expectations. The only expectation I can keep is that we will talk when we can and when we want to, if not, we simply will not. But sure, it does suck we could not go to the movies last night like he asked 🙂

Ah, what is happening? No se. But I will not judge it, I will embrace whatever it brings.

Idealism and Reality

There is this soft, hanging feeling of discomfort for what I have realized as the North Carolina wind runs wildly through my unkempt hair. I’m sitting on the sidewalk curb right next to a coffeeshop, while it is still shaded, but the sun will soon reach me with the passing time; it is almost 1PM.

I am mentally preparing for my Alabama trip as I will be the sole person driving for the 9-10+ hour journey. I am assuming that I will be surrounded by mostly [loud] Hispanics, which are the complete opposite to my nature. My quietness is reflective of my discomfort and comfort I feel in situations, but I guess, I am mentally preparing for a weekend of conversations going “in circles” and not immediately to the point; naturally loud speaking voices, and getting looked at differently when they all see that “Doña Constanza” is actually a white, young-looking Chilean-American with a neutral Spanish/English accent. [Doña means Mrs and for me, it is a rather olden term; there is also Señora, but they all sound ugly to me].

That hanging feeling of discomfort, which I sadly cannot explain but as that, is one that makes me question this particular point in my life. This life, right now. This unknown and confusing moment where I am receiving therapy, working hard to better understand my insecurities and move past them. This moment where I deeply want to become a small entrepreneur and sell my art–to get my domain on SquareSpace, get a simple page up to show my pieces, and write the little reflections and insights that come to mind. That part of me that wants to set aside the nonprofit job [for now] and live a simpler, but richer life: in a tiny home or cabin, away from major distractions, and be able to live off my art. Die hard INFP wishes and desires.

The reality is crushing because it dictates that I cannot do that–no matter how much I am desperately trying to keep that dream alive. The reality is that I have an expensive burden to carry [my type one diabetes] and until I cannot feel safe and secure that those needs will be met without major complications, I cannot take that next step. I can try by risking myself and sharing my dreams, my art, my true self.

The reality is that scrolling through all of these beautiful images on Pinterest both appeal to me, but make me feel uncomfortable. Those images are both a reminder of what I want in life–it makes it easier to picture, but it also shows that I simply cannot attain it right now. On the other hand, they also serve as a visual motivator of what I want my life to look like {one day}. Looking through all those quotes, all those stupid succulent plants, and dreamy-like boho homes honestly does not serve me well at all. But I know that a large part of that comes into HOW I confront those discomforting feelings.

Alright, time to go.

The sun has caught up to me.

Insuvida (2)

 This is life. 

I have learned how to make every single fucking drop count. 

I prime as little as possible to not waste this precious life force. 

I am a slave to this tiny vial. 

Tomorrow I buy just one vial because that’s all I can afford until my (new) insurance plan kicks in June 1st. 

Until then…carefully measure out the insulin. Exercise to keep those BGs a little lower. Cut out more unnecessary starches and higher glycemic index foods. Sleep. 

This is life. 

Loving someone gives you courage: so what are you with self-love?

I am an avid Passion Planner user–I am using my second academic version and in a few months will be purchasing my third planner, but this time a year-round, undated, large version. The beauty of the Passion Planner is that it has a weekly quote, a weekly focus for you to hone in on along with other details. This week’s quote is the following:

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

-Lao Tzu

It could not be more perfect and fitting.

I find myself in an extremely dangerous place in my life, mentally. My self-confidence has plummeted, while I desperately try to convince myself that I am not what the demons in my head say I am–unworthy of love, better off dead than trying to find a meaning in this rather stressful life [mostly referring towards the access of affordable insulin–I am not suicidal]; the fear of knowing ALL the pertinent things in my life ARE indeed temporary, but being too afraid to do anything about it–fear of wasting time right now and not being okay down the road.

Or as my boss critiqued me a week ago, “You are too negative.”

I did not want that to be my blowing point with my boss, but it was. However, that is just where the tip hit the iceberg. There had been other greater pressures pushing upon my mind, my body, my beliefs in myself.

The truth is that last night, I grew even more nervous of what my life is going to look like 5+ years from now. Social media keeps showing me how more T1 diabetics are dying because they cannot afford their insulin, how some organizations are bringing awareness of the disease, while flashing all the fancy gadgets they or their family can afford for them, or simply [what I saw yesterday] the “T1D Black Market.” Not only am I 25 and wondering all the same things like whether I will be able to find my niche in the workplace, will I ever find someone who loves me and I them? Will I be able to buy a home and be able to do a yoga crow pose?

Well, I additionally think about insulin. Medical insurance. My pump if it malfunctions. My mental health. Always needing to have a job in order to have insurance. My access to health resources. The fact that I refuse to have a family if I cannot take care of myself first and I get upset when people say ignorant comments–“oh but when you really fall in love, you’ll change your mind and want kids. You better get a move on it too! You’re 25!” I think about these things ALL the FUCKING TIME and I am sick of it. So fucking sick of it.

According to Dr. Meg Jay, I am at the prime of my life to learn, adapt, and be who I will be for the rest of my life–and that, is already a very scary thing for me.  Scientifically, this is the crux of the best growth and excruciatingly painful experience I may have in my life, and I am not trying to be dramatic. I find solstice in the fact that Dr. Jay and every other adult I talk to, is telling me that this phase, this inner ‘destructive’ feeling and confusion is all normal and part of the process of finding my niche in this world (post graduation, in my case).

I am always at a loss of words on how to capture my feelings, but the truth is that I know I have far too many feelings. I can easily cry by hearing a song or dazing out a window on a rainy day. My self-doubt thoughts consume me. My appetite has decreased continuously, but I am eating nonetheless. I am terrified of never being ‘well’ enough to attract good people in my life and being able to keep them–both in friendships and romantic relationships. Ha, but at least I do not need to worry about latter because I am emotionally unprepared to love someone right now. What alarms me the most is the mere thought that I view my death would be easier to deal with than working through the hardships. This is a bitter truth that leaves me both scared and numb.

For too many years, I have been too self-aware of myself, my surroundings, and I have constantly over-analyzed how those factors affect me. I know that right now, I desperately need help because I do not want to sink into a dark abyss–trying to reach towards the light will only be so much harder once I have hit rock bottom. I sense that I am getting close to reaching that point, but the little bit of optimism that lies within me, keeps saying, “This will pass, I promise. Just please do not give up on yourself yet.”

It is in moments like these, with my inner most deep voice speaking out to me, that I wonder of Elizabeth Gilbert: the night she prays to God; she supplicates for a sign. She is answered by her own self, telling Liz to go back to bed. Was it God? Was it Liz? Fast forward to the part where Liz says, “God resides in me as me.” Is that internal voice really God? I always wonder that…

I have rediscovered this past week that I know very little as to why I find it so hard to love myself.  I have come to view myself as unworthy of receiving love from others–I have lost my way into seeing how I personally make any difference in this world. I feel both guilt and selfishness at thinking this, because I have told this to my Mom more than once and I know it hurts her, more than I will ever know.

Thus, I do not know what to even consider myself if I see I have been incapable of loving myself. I know I am loved by my parents, so I should have strength, but I barely feel inner strength within me. I need to believe that those I do call friends love me no matter the distance. I am selective of those I love because I am always over-analyzing and expecting to get hurt by someone I love. But does that make me feel courageous? To love?Not always.

From my previous post, I was in tears as I wrote that my best [guy] friend is this raw, beautiful human. His capacity to love on others and enjoy life is a courageous way to live–he does not seem to care if he gets hurt down the road.

As long as I am with those I love and am having fun, life is good.

^^^ Those are my friend’s words, by the way. It is such a simple piece of advise, but I have the tendency to overthink when there is no need. I just wish there was a way to tap into that mindset of gratitude, of simplicity because deep down, I know life is not worth worrying about all the issues that occupy my mind. I guess I am just seeking to find that courage to love myself more than ever.

I may not know why or how I have been led to view myself the way I do, but no one will save me unless I save myself.

And God–I still believe some stronger force and power is out there. And, I must believe that God only wants me to grow from this, no matter how painful and in a way, self-inflicted and self-deprecating it has become.